By The Numbers – Jim Crow

So in this series of “By The Numbers – Jim Crow,” we will start in 1881. To give you an idea of the type of environment African Americans faced down South, let me just give you an 1881 quote from the esteemed Atticus G. Haywood, president of Emory College; “The New South will be as good for black folk as the old. New white Southerners will continue to civilize inferior black folk in their nicely segregated free-labor society,”… man… and he was supposed to be on our side! Now however condescending this sounds, Haywood advanced African American rights and liberties in his teachings and in his writings. I am just showing you the state of mind 19th-century southern whites had about freed African Americans in general. So without further ado, I will take my uncivilized azz and start our series “By The Number – Jim Crow.” As usual we will use the following metrics:
10 – You can sit next to the table and watch while we play a couple of hands of bid whisk.
9 – You are able to use the word “Bro” in front of us.”
8 – You can bring something to the barbecue and we’ll put it on the table with the other food.
7 – We will wave at you if we see you on the street.
6 – We won’t side-eye or sass if you bring a watermelon to our family dinner.
5 – You can leave with a little bit of your dignity after saying “My Nigga.”
4 – If we hear you calling for help, we will call the police after we have charged our phone.
3 – We will count to three before we let the dogs out if you come to our house.
2 – We won’t pee on your statue during daylight hours.
1 – Faque Off!!

James A. Garfield – 7
Elected 1881 -1881
We will wave at you if we see you on the street.

So one of the first things you might have noticed was that Garfield only served for one year. It was actually less than a year, but we will get to that in a little bit. Garfield was known as the last of the log cabin presidents. He was the last president to be raised in a log cabin. Now Garfield was an undercover “radical republican.” Remember when we talked about radical Republicans being the equivalent of the “Squad.” Well, he was one of those politicians, who believed the North should have just gone down South and beat and stomped the racism outta them hillbillies after Reconstruction. “Just do it…” Okay, he wasn’t that enthusiastic, but Garfield supported the passage of constitutional amendments that gave African Americans equal rights under the law, supported the expansion of the Freedmen Bureau, supported the Civil Rights Act of 1866, and supported the Ku Klux Klan Act of 1871. He once told a friend of his, “I am trying to do two things, Viz. Be a radical and not a fool… which… is a matter of no small difficulty.” Now, while being a radical was dangerous in itself, being a foolish radical could get yo azz beat into a coma with a walking stick by a dude that looked like Colonel Sanders. In 1856, plantation owner Preston Brooks from South Carolina put it on Rep. Charles Sumner, an abolitionist from Massachusetts. I mean he “PUT IT ON HIM!!” I’m talking about the kinda stuff they use when somebody tells somebody else to go get a preacher while I hold his hand stuff!! Sumner had given an anti-slavery speech and put the ugly mouth on Brook’s slave-owning cousin. After talking about his cousin and another speech attacking pro-slavery factions in Kansas, Brooks beat him viciously right on the floor of the Capital! And while he didn’t kill him… they put his hospital bed in a cemetery!! So yeah, being a foolish radical could get you messed up. Like my boy, Andrew Johnson, I didn’t give top honors to Garfield either because of a view he had that was contrary to what he hoped to achieve for African Americans. For all his desire to see slavery end, he did not want to see African-Americans given “special treatment.” That’s a line in the sand for me. He was against equal pay for black troops. He was against black suffrage, the right of blacks to vote. In July of 1865, he said, “It goes against the grain of my feelings to favor Negro suffrage, for I never could fall in love with the creatures…” Historians say the remark was just a symptom of the attitudes that generally prevailed when it came to black voting. I think he was a white Clarence Thomas. He didn’t want to give African Americans special treatment simply based on the color of their skin. So I’m not even going to mention the special treatment we got “because” of the color of our skin, like hanging from the tallest tree they could find without our private parts… no Ima leave that alone. Anyway, throughout his presidency, he never wavered from his support for African Americans, and though the North grew weary of Southern politics and the plight of blacks down there, he stood steadfast. In the end, Garfield foretold the destiny of our people when he said, ” The freedom they won in war, would be lost in peace. So Garfield spent less than 200 days in office. He was the second president assassinated in DC… Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre, and Garfield at the Baltimore and Potomac Railroad Station, now known as Union Station. Funny, I was raised in DC and have been to Union Station hundreds of times, but I never knew a President was killed there. Well not exactly killed there.. he was shot there and died in New Jersey, but they don’t even mention he was shot there either. I mean there is a plaque at the Washington Hilton where Reagan was shot… I wonder does it have anything to do with his support of… naw…

Lets Play

Arthur: Enslavia we have to get moving. It will not be long before that idiot Corporal figures out we put one over on him.
Enslavia: Yeah, I don’t know what I would give to see his face right about now!!
Meanwhile at court…
Bailiff: The court calls Yayo Youngin!! Please stand!
Judge: Mr. Youngin, you have been charged with petty larceny in the third degree and assault and battery in the first degree.. how do you plead?
Yayo: Not guilty yo honor! I ain’t steal no battery and I got salt at home!! Why would I steal salt… They give it out free at Popeyes!! (Yayo starts laughing..)
Judge: Are you playing with me Mr. Youngin? Don’t you know I’ll put you butt naked in a cell with twenty-five bearded Nazi’s carrying tiki torches and a two-foot rope!
Defense: Your honor… may I have a moment to speak with my client?
Judge: Go right ahead, counselor… but the next thing I want to hear out his mouth is “Guilty As “Faque!!”
Defense: Yayo look, things are not going as planned. You got on the wrong side of the Judge…
Yayo: I didn’t do anything!! I went into the store to buy a can of Bud Lite and the guy looks at me like I’m crazy! I put the money on the counter and he throws the can on the floor. I said I’m not drinking that and he said, “That’s not what yo lady said last night… ” Then I snatched the can off the floor, jumped up on the counter, grabbed him by his little scrawny neck, and poured that shat down his throat!! I kept yelling “Take it back!! Take it back Mfer!!” But he couldn’t because I had him by his neck and he couldn’t talk… So while I was holding him by his neck, he pushed this silent alarm and the cops came. They told me to let him go or by the time they finished tasing my azz, I would be able to open my own business jump starting 747s at Ohare Airport. So I let him go and they put the handcuffs on me. I told them what had happened and I thought they were being sympathetic… One of them says, “That’s crazy!! If I was you I wouldn’t have given him one red cent!! I know you didn’t give him yo money after all that!” I smiled and said ” Hell to the no!! I went in that register and got mine back!!” The cop smiled and said we would straighten it all out down at the station. Next thing I know… I’m in a cell with a bald-headed Klansmen that wants me to play hangman with him… he shows me this hangman game that says N_GG_R… only the man is already hanging…
Defense: That doesn’t matter… The judge doesn’t like you. If you plead guilty as faque, you will be walking by the end of the month…
Yayo: I didn’t do anything!!
Defense: You wanna finish playing that game with the Grand Pubah or you wanna go home?
Yayo: Okay…I wanna go home… this ain’t right…
Judge: Counselor, what say ye!
Defense: Your honor my client has had a change of heart and wishes to plead guilty…
Judge: Will the defendant rise…? How do you plead?
Yayo: I plead guilty your honor…
Judge: I didn’t hear you.. can you repeat that.
Yayo: (The defense attorney whispers in Yayo’s ear..”) Guilty as faque… your honor… I plead guilty as faque…
Judge: So you are guilty as faque huh? SPEAK UP!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!
Yayo: YES YOUR HONOR… I’M GUILTY AS FAQUE!
Judge: That’s what I thought… The defendant is reprimanded to the sheriff’s office until later this evening for sentencing… next case…
Bailiff: The state calls “Enslavia N. Youno I’Amdeeazz…” Is “Enslavia N. Youno I’Amdeeazz…” here?

Chester A. Arthur – 10
Elected 1881 -1885
You can sit next to the table and watch while we play a couple of hands of bid whisk.

Very few African Americans know about Chester A. Arthur. Sure most of us know he was a president, but that’s about it. However back in 1881, old Chester’s name was right up there next to Lincoln’s when it came to admiration. When Arthur was twenty-five, he worked for the law firm of Erastus D. Culver. The law firm specialized in legally freeing any enslaved person that it represented. The firm worked out of New York and word has it that they had freed almost as many black folks as Harriet Tubman! They were hot and Chester was one of their stars. Now, I’m not sure if anyone heard the story of a woman named Elizabeth Jennings Graham. Well, Graham was told by a streetcar conductor to go to the nigra section in the rear of the train and eat your watermelon… Okay, he didn’t say anything about watermelons, but the train was segregated. Right afterward Elizabeth went straight to Culver’s, where Chester took her case. The future president won the case, and New York City streetcars were desegregated, one hundred years before Rosa Parks! Chester came into power after the assassination of Garfield, but if I had to bet on it, I’d say both Chester and Garfield were “radical Republicans.” That rarely happens because back in those days you would have someone on the ticket from the South, so you could get some Southern Democratic support. Now we keep mentioning ” “radical Republicans” and how back then they were the champions of civil liberties for people of color. That was the reason they were called radicals by pro-slavery Democrats. Fast forward 140 years with the shoe on the other foot, and now we have a former president and others calling the Democrats… the “Radical Left.” It makes you wanna figure out if “radical” is the Klan code word for N-word and Spic lovers… I’m not saying one way or another, but there is history behind that term in politics. Anywho, so yeah Chester was “radical.” He tried to dislodge the Southern Democratic political machine that denied African Americans their civil rights by building a coalition of like-minded Republicans and moderate Democrats. He tried to get the Civil Rights Act of 1875 reinstated. The law prohibited racial discrimination in public places and facilities such as restaurants and public transportation. It had been ruled unconstitutional in 1883 by the Supreme Court. He wasn’t able to get it reinstated. Arthur did throw a touchdown in the case of West Point Cadet Johnson Chesnut Whittaker, who had been railroaded, dishonorably discharged, and court-martialed. Whittaker was one of the first black men to win an appointment there. So what happened was he was attacked by a group of military hillbillies and when he ratted them out, command said he was lying. Commander: “You know you got that rope burn around yo neck while doing drills in the deep woods yesterday cadet!! Why you lying?!!” Anyway, Arthur got him out of prison. Whittaker was never exonerated and died in 1931. He is buried in a segregated cemetery in Orangeburg South Carolina. Here is a link to the movie, “The Court Martial Of Johnson Whittaker” on Youtube, about the affair if you are interested. Anywho, Chester got him out and he went on to become a teacher, and the rest you know. Finally, remember when I told you about how African Americans had pictures of their heroes in their homes back in the late 1800s? Well, Chester A. Arthur was one of them. As a matter of fact, a famous blues musician was named after him… Chester Arthur Burnett, better known as Howlin Wolf! You may not remember his music, but you may remember him being portrayed in the movie Cadillac Records. The song he played in that movie was hot, “Smokestack Lighting!!” Chester A. Arthur died on November 18, 1886, just one year after getting out of office from a cerebral hemorrhage. He is buried in Menands, New York. Out of 20 presidents, this is the first and only 10 I have researched so far. Rest in peace, Chester.

You Gonna Learn Today…

Bailiff: Is “Enslavia N. Youno I’Amdeeazz…” in the courtroom?
Corporal: Your honor Miss I’amdeeazz is in the hospital…
Judge: In the hospital!! What hospital Corporal?!!
Corporal: Your honor, Miss I’Amdeeazz tried to escape and had to be sedated. They told me I could pick her up after they had a chance to observe her for a few hours.
Judge: Well where is she, Corporal? What’s the name of the hospital?
Corporal: I have their card right here your honor…
Judge: Bailiff pass me the card… Let me see… (the judge puts the card down…) Corporal.. let me tell you a story… before I was on the bench, I use to be a science teacher. I taught kids about atoms, protons … neutrons, and electrons… Well, these particles spin around the nucleus of the atom and once in a while one of the particles gets knocked out of orbit. Sometimes all the particles get knocked out of orbit… Do you know what happens when all the particles leave the nucleus?
Corporal: Uh.. no you honor…
Judge: Well the atom ceases to exist.. the nucleus just flies off… never to be seen again. Did you look at the card when they gave it to you?
Corporal: No you honor.. under the circumstances.. I was …
Judge: Tut… tut… tut… Bailiff hand this card to the “Private.” Private what does that card say?
Private: It says, Corporal… It’s my card, your honor…
Judge: Yes that is your card “PRIVATE”… Now Private if my defendant is not in this courtroom at 9:30 am sharp Wednesday morning, I’m gonna knock all of your neutrons, protons, and electrons out of orbit, and then yo nucleus is gonna float away never to be seen again… Am I making myself clear?
Private: Yes your honor.. right now your honor…
Judge: Dismissed…

Grover Cleveland – 3
Elected 1885-1881 and 1893-1897
We will count to three before we let the dogs out if you come to our house.

Grover Cleveland was the first Democratic president elected after a run of Republican presidents since Abraham Lincoln in 1861. He is the only president to hold office in two non-consecutive terms. He was a racist in his first term and he was a racist in his last term. So although Cleveland was born when they were hanging slaves like Christmas ornaments, there is no conclusive evidence that he or his family ever had enslaved people working for them. His first foray into politics was being elected as sheriff of Erie County. Now you know the Sheriff in those days was responsible for executions. The sheriff would hire an executioner and then the executioner would execute folks. What made Cleveland so attractive to his supporters was that he hanged men personally. He would climb up onto the gallows and personally pull the plug on folks. Them hillbillies loved that shat. Afterward, he served a term as mayor and went on to become Governor of New York in 1883. In 1885 he served his first term as president. So in his first term, he thought Reconstruction was a failed program and refused to commit federal troops to enforce the 15th Amendment giving black men the right to vote. Blackman: “I KNOW MY RIGHTS!! THE 15TH AMENDMENT GIVES ME THE RIGHT TO VOTE!!” Racist: “Yeah we know… there’s a copy of it in that tree over there…” So there’s that. Another thing is that Cleveland did not appoint any blacks to what they called patronage jobs. These government positions were handed out to supporters as a reward for their loyalty. So when you think of patronage jobs, those were things like postmasters, customs collections, and federal marshals. So postmasters were like present-day mailmen. Only back in those days, they not only delivered the mail, but they ran the post office too. Now being a postmaster was saying something back then… and if you were a black postmaster then hot diggity dog you better know how to fight, cause yo azz was at the top of their list. Racist: “Move that nigra with the mule down to second place and put that postal nigra at the top…” Yep… as a matter of fact, I wrote about the dangers of being a black postmaster a while ago in an article called Frazier and Julia Baker. I’m telling you right now before you read it, that was some real Jasper, Texas shit! Yeah, I said it… The custom collections job was the people who collected money from merchants crossing our borders. I don’t think you had many blacks in those positions, because one, the positions up North were in the colder regions and not many of us wanted to deal with that, and two, down South most of the products coming into the country were being shipped up and down the Mississippi River, where the racist wished a $##@ nigra would come down there telling a hard-working, gawd fearing white men to put that load of shat where I told you to right now!!. Yep… that’s an unmarked grave move. Anywho, so Cleveland didn’t hand out any of those jobs to African Americans, but he did let Frederick Douglass continue in his post as recorder of deeds in Washington, D.C. After Douglass left, he appointed another black man to take his place. I think the only reason he did that was because of all the juice Douglass had. I mean when Douglass talked, five million African Americans listened. Douglass: “BURN THAT SHAT DOWN!! BURN IT ALL DOWN!!” Okay… we know Douglass would never do that, but I’m just pointing out what kinda juice this dude had. Anyway, he didn’t fire Douglass when he came into office. Now, Cleveland was an equal-opportunity bigot. While on one side of his mouth, he said he deplored how the Chinese immigrants were being treated, on the other side of his mouth he lobbied for the Scott Act. The Scott Act prevented any Chinese immigrant who left the United States from returning. He signed it into law on October 1, 1888. Now I don’t know what it was about Native Americans, that Cleveland was so enamored with. He wanted them to be assimilated. I guess it was all those scalps those brothers were walking around with and the possibility that they could get more where those came from. Anyway, Cleveland had a soft spot for them. He signed the Dawes Act into law, which provided for the distribution of Indian lands to individual members of tribes, rather than having them continue to be held in trust for the tribes by the federal government. Federal Government: We gonna hold Chwewamink in trust for you until you need it… Yes, I know it says Wyoming on the deed… that’s just so we know where it is…” So yeah, he signed the Dawes Act. It didn’t work because instead of using the land for profit and uplifting the tribes as a whole, a lot of Native Americans just sold the property back to Uncle Sam and kept the money for themselves. In the end, neither during his first term nor his second did any significant civil rights legislation occur. African Americans would continue to suffer in the South as they had done since the end of Reconstruction some twenty years earlier.

Enslavia: Arthur let’s head down South.. they will be looking for us up here…
Arthur: Last time I went down south… I went into this bar and ordered a shot of Old White Mississippi Bourbon… I went to the table and sat down and the bartender came over and asked me did I want him to leave the bottle… I said yes…
Enslavia: That was mighty nice of him… they usually don’t treat a Negro like that…
Arthur: Well he came back with the bottle and poured me a shot and left the bottle on the table… I was on my second shot when I looked out the window and started admiring the scenery… Out in the distance was this field with a giant oak tree… As I was admiring it, I notice there was something hanging from one of the branches… It looked like a swing… I remembered when I was a kid and had a swing like that. I started to smile and I grabbed the bottle of Old White and begin to pour me another drink… I picked up the bottle and I noticed the label had a picture of that same field and tree… only it wasn’t a swing hanging from the branches…
Enslavia: Now hush yo mouth! That was a long time ago… We going to my hometown… Blackity, Alabama where the only white men there are on postage stamps… Now turn right here and take “Yass Suh 140,” we will be there by morning…