I began writing “By The Numbers,” with an article on the “Founding Fathers.” It covered the years between 1789 and 1829. As you remember we used a scale between 0 and 10 to rate the presidents on their stances on civil rights. Here is the scale:
10 – You can sit next to the table and watch while we play a couple of hands of bid whisk.
9 – You are able to use the word “Bro” in front of us.”
8 – You can bring something to the barbecue and we’ll put it on the table with the other food.
7 – We will wave at you if we see you on the street.
6 – We won’t side-eye or sass if you bring a watermelon to our family dinner.
5 – You can leave with a little bit of your dignity after saying “My Nigga.”
4 – If we hear you calling for help, we will call the police after we have charged our phone.
3 – We will count to three before we let the dogs out if you come to our house.
2 – We won’t pee on your statue during daylight hours.
1 – Faque Off!!
0 – Special Use ( added later for you know who.)
So let’s get started with the evaluation of this time period. So I started feeling some kinda way when I added up all the presidents’ scores in this time period and divided them to get an average score of “four.” I’m like “four!!?” I was expecting a hot “two,” given the fact that there wasn’t a nigra George Washington didn’t see that wasn’t his slave, and we are not even going to talk about TJ, the pimp of Monticello… okay yes we are… Remember when I said there wasn’t a nigra that George Washinton saw, that wasn’t his slave? Well, there wasn’t a black woman that Thomas Jefferson saw that he didn’t try to sneak into his bedroom at night… while his wife was in the next room! Shat, I’m thinking about having “my” DNA checked!! Anywho… then I thought maybe their score was bolstered by the high score I gave Quincy Adams. Quincy Adams fought against slavery for most of his life and I cried like a baby when I read that they found his body in a barrel of chitlin’s with a piece of cornbread on the lid… okay no they didn’t… but that’s really surprising given the fact that 99 percent of the blacks in that time period were slaves and the other 1 percent were hanging in trees. But even when I removed Adam’s score the rest managed to get a semi-respectful “3,” – “We will count to three before we let the dogs out if you come to our house.” I don’t know. I’m like how are we going to get them to our house? I guess we could always tell George Washington there’s a nigra in here that’s not yo slave… or give Jefferson a pair of panties and tell him a woman in that house over there told us to give these to you… but what about the rest of them… excluding Qunicy Adams? What about the other Adams, John Adams, who was the first to place an embargo on Haiti as a punishment for Toussaint L’Ouverture opening up a can of 9/11 on France. Haiti defeated France and declared themselves an independent nation in 1804, but when they first started putting hands on France in 1801, John Adams placed an embargo on Haiti fearing that the nigras in the States might get to thinking about an uprising and then he would be forced to kick a little ass over here… he didn’t need the headache. I think I know how we could get him to our house… We will just tell him that we heard a nigra speaking French in there… he asked his massa if he would like another croissant? Adams might say… “No worries… a croissant is just the French word for a type of pastry.” Then we could say… “The massa fell out the chair after he ate it..” That would take care of Adams. That leaves James “Two-Face” Madison and James “Whip That One Too” Monore. We want Madison because although he was against slavery… he owned slaves and although he supported laws that freed slaves without getting permission from the local authorities, he never released any of his own. So how do we get Madison to our house? I know… We will invite him over for croissants…
Now James Monore is an entirely different animal. Monroe was still feeling a little bit salty about Gabriel and that rebellion thing. Gabriel got fed up with their shat and organized a bunch of black people to arm themselves and head over to the Governor’s house and see if they could work it out. So what happened was that another black man put the mouth on Gabriel and instead of telling the governor that Gabriel was coming over there to try and work something thing out… he left the governor with the impression that Gabriel and a bunch of black folks were coming over there to try and “cut something out…” like something that you needed to breathe with… So Monroe, the governor at the time was faqued up with it and sent hundreds of white men armed to the teeth to put down the rebellion. They were killing black folks for days and weeks afterward. After the rebellion was put down, new harsher laws were instituted governing every facet of a slave’s life, including how many could be gathered in one place, curfews were established and blacks were not allowed out after dusk, and the visiting of other farms or properties was prohibited. The laws instituted after Gabriel’s Rebellion led directly to the rules incorporated into the Black Codes and Jim Crow. As I said, the killings and punishments went on for weeks after the rebellion and that’s how we are going to get Monroe over to our house… we are gonna tell him he missed one.
Almost A Century Of It
In this section, we are going to be summarizing almost a century, instead of a few years at a time. We will start off in 1829 and finish this section in 1901. So let’s get a general idea of where on the scale these presidents fit into. From 1829 through 1901 there were twenty presidents. The general score for all of these presidents during this time span is a “5”… You can leave with a little bit of your dignity after saying “My Nigga.” So as we have previously done in the preceding assessment, we are going to adjust the score for negritude. Negritude is the black version of attitude. I get a negritude when a bunch of racist president’s scores are buoyed up by a couple of other presidents who although were late to the game, did manage to throw in a couple of three-pointers before the buzzards hanged… I mean buzzer ranged. Anywho recalculating for negritude we are going to take out of consideration all the scores above “5” which will leave us a fairer representation of how we really feel about those left and their efforts to enslave us indefinitely. Minus negritude they get a score of “1,” –Faque Off!!
Andrew Jackson was one of the few presidents who hated anyone whose ancestors didn’t head north after coming out of Africa. Jackson was the one responsible for the trail of tears and the one who offered $10 for every 100 lashes you gave an escaped slave. Yesiree, we going to put some lettuce on Jackson… Let us turn up the heat and burn his azz to a dark golden brown and then him to Mississippi with a white woman. Next is Martin Van Buren. Martin was the one who had four big-hipped young black girls staying with him as his slaves. Now I ain’t one to advocate violence, but if history would have said he died in horrible agony from an STD, I would go to school to become a teacher and the life and times of Martin Van Buren would be required reading in my class. Every week I’d take the kids to his grave site and we would celebrate by burning condoms… that @##! William Henry Harrison… ain’t really much to say about Willie. He was a slave owner and was opposed to Congress halting slavery in the new territories. He did everything in his power to promote slavery in the new territories. Well, old Willie died after a month in office. His term was the shortest in American history. They say his old trusted slave, the one he called Nigg@r Joe, swore he had nothing to do with it… James K. Polk is a different kind of… James gets on this list because he would talk about freeing slaves and then in the dark of night go out and buy them, and then ship them off to one of his plantations before anybody knew better. He is also known for breaking up families and selling off the children to pay for the adults. So let us all pray that James is raised from the dead and somehow transported to 2023 where we can all get a chance to whip that AZZ!! WHIP THAT VERY AZZ!! I MEAN WHIP IT!! Zachery Taylor was another one of those… So Taylor was against the expansion of slavery and you might say… “Well that’s good, isn’t it?” Yes, it is good if you are Taylor. Taylor didn’t want any more slave states because it would faque up his money, by providing another source for goods that his customers could access. If everybody had slaves then that would increase competition. He figured he just work the faque out of his slaves and when they dropped dead, he would buy some more not having to worry about if his customers just went someplace else. But you know Karma is a “BIATCH!” Zachery Taylor died after being in office for just one year, and you know what they say? He was poisoned by his political enemies because he wanted California and New Mexico to come in as free states! That would have upset the power balance between free and slave states. I’m just gonna leave it right there and say toodeloo Zachery… Franklin Pierce was the dude who expanded the slave territory just six years before the Civil War. He abandoned the Missouri Compromise for the Kansas-Nebraska Act (KNA.) That led to the range wars in Kansas and Nebraska between pro and anti-slave factions and to John Brown and Harpers Ferry raid. So basically he is the dude that pours gasoline on the fire at the dynamite factory that started the Civil War. The North had already said no to slavery and Pierce just poked them in the eye supporting the KNA. Let’s hope he is down there… You know where down there is right…? Let’s hope he’s down there with the good ole boys explaining to them why so many got large cannonball holes through the middle of them. Good Ole Boys: Yeah $$##@!! I know you want to take it down!! But you gonna keep holding that cannonball right on top of yo head until they bring us some ice water… The next person on the grill is James Buchannan. He was the two-faced president who said whatever the outcome of Dred Scott, that’s the outcome he will stand behind. Come to find out, he was the ninja that told the Supreme Court to throw the nigra under the bus! Dred Scott was the Supreme Court decision that said African Americans were not citizens of the United States. Dred had sued in federal court to be free because he resided in a free state. To make a long story short, they locked that nigra up and threw away the key. He along with his family was given back to the slave owners who he had sued for his freedom and they made an example out of him. Slaveowner: Nigra you don’t even know… from now on, you are gonna wear this red jolly coon costume and play Mammy on this banjo when you not picking cotton. When I yell “Boy”, I want you to skip over here with a big smile on yo face and bring me my whiskey tonic and then rub my feet… Dred: Faque it… Ima hurt this mfer… Okay, that’s not what happened.. he was returned to slavery, but abolitionists paid for his and his family’s freedom and they left the South. You know, I believe in reincarnation. Maybe karma had Buchannan come back as a negra and he’s the one I saw at that Trump rally with the MAGA hat on. When he went up to get an autograph from “Da Fuhrer” a bunch of Hillbillies grabbed him. They say his Cadillac is still parked outside with the Confederate flag in the window, but when the police try to find out what happened to him, the Hillbillies say he told them he was going to Popeyes for a chicken sandwich and a biscuit with grape jelly.
Rutherford B. Hayes is the one you want… no… really… YOU WANT THAT MFER! I don’t how many times in my articles, I have brought up something called the “Great Betrayal.” But to refresh your memory, the “Great Betrayal,” was when all the remaining federal troops were pulled out of the South, for the support of southern Democrats to elect him as president. He sacrificed generations of black folks so he could sit in the big chair. When the federal troops left the South… WOW… them Southern racists went straight to ass-kicking!! You could smell the do-do all the way to the South Pole. After that… the end of Reconstruction, then the Black Codes, followed by 60 years of Jim Crow. Those white folks down south weren’t playing. Some of our most pivotal history is tied up in those 60 years trying to get from under the yoke of the sons and daughters of the Confederate traitors we stumped into the red southern mud with dirty black boots cause they were disrespectful and getting on a moe’s nerves. Yes, I know Ima have to sleep with my gun tonight… Anywho it was Hayes who set us on that path. I don’t know whether to hate him or hate him more… I know you didn’t think I was going to say hate him or love him… did you? But you know something? It was Hayes who made our black leaders, made the MLK’s, the Malcolm X’s, and the Angela Davis’s… and made me sitting here writing about them. So what then? Hate him.. or hate him more? Ima hate him more. For all those leaders he made, he also made Roy Bryant, one of the men who killed Emmitt Till, he made Thomas Blanton, the man who planted the bomb at the 16th Street Baptist Church and he made Dylann Roof, who killed nine African Americans praying with him. So yeah Ima kinda hate him more. Let’s move on from Devil Hayes, but first I’m going to wash my hands and rinse my eyes with bleach… because writing this part has exposed me to a filth I’m not soon going to forget.
So we are going to stop for right now. I didn’t plan on the conclusion to “By The Numbers” being this long, but if you are going to do a thing… do it. In part II of the conclusion, we will wrap up our summary and present our numbers. To paraphrase one of our presidents,” Please join us next time for part II of “By The Numbers – The Conclusion” It’s gonna be wild…
Thanks for reading ©Hill1News
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