Have you ever wondered what it would be like if every one was the same color? I heard that.. Can we all get along? Anyway, think about it. What would happen if God only made one race, no blacks, no browns, no reds, and no whites. Now, for the sake of all things being equal and I am trying to look at this objectively, all of our inhabitants will be blue. That’s right blue. I choose this color because sometimes your veins look blue. That’s because of the thickness of your skin. Light does not penetrate your skin at the same intensity everywhere. Because of this, the light that you see reflected back to you looks blue, therefore you see blue veins. There is a method to my madness. So light strikes with the same intensity all over our inhabitants bodies and we are blue. We will be known as Blujaz.. thats right… Lets begin.
300,000 BC: Modern Blujaz appears in Africa and begin to migrate. Fossils and tool dating back 177,000 years are found near modern day Israel. The oldest jawbone ever found outside of Africa is also found at this site along with what archaeologist say is somebody’s empty wallet. The predecessors of the modern Blujaz date back to 2.5 million years BC.
200,000 BC: Blujaz learns to harness fire. The use of fire changes us in that we can now provide warmth and protection for our families. It is thought that the saying , “I will fire you up” came from this period of time.( The use of fire actually goes back about a million years BC, but we can’t be conclusive because most of the caves with the ancient drawings were burned out.
200,000 – 4000 BC
We didn’t do much during this time. Fighting them dinosaurs took a lot out of us and I’m not talking about being tired… I’m just kidding, by the time of modern Blujaz, the dinosaurs were extinct. There were not many of us around during this time. Although we had control of fire, we couldn’t eat it. So a lot of us starved. Somewhere along the line we figured if we hunted as a group and shared the spoils, our chances of survival would go up. Not only that, but our security would also be enhanced. Yep, we had them scummy @##$! back then too. So we started living in small groups. By the time of the first millennium, we were 300 million strong. Most of us lived in Asia after leaving Africa, which made sense because we followed the path of the sun hoping to find its birth place. Some of us headed south, because we heard of the harsh conditions if we went North and we ain’t have time for that. You might think, how did we know it was cold up North? Well, we couldn’t write, but we could talk and those frozen bones left over from saber tooth tiger attacks gave us a clue.
4000 – 1000 BC
Through the previous millennia’s the thugs made us gather into ever larger groups. First small clans, then villages, followed by cities and finally city states. It was also during this time we learned to plant crops. No longer would they need to send out men to hunt for food. Weezey could go out to the garden and pick out a couple bushes of corn and grind some wheat up to make bread, while the men set around and shot the breeze with the fella’s. Once in a while they would go out and shoot a deer or two and have Weezey skin it and cook it. Then they would invite the fella’s over, sit around, eat it, and then give her and the kids the leftovers. This went on for a couple of centuries, until someone start noticing a lot of men dying from food poisoning. So men started marrying women. They would have elaborate feasts with deer and corn bread. Weezy would bake a cake at the end of the celebration and that’s how the ritual of of the bride and groom giving each other a piece of the cake came to be. 3200 BC: The first empire in the history of Blujaz is founded by Pharaoh Geraldutus Hill I. ( This is my story.) 2600 BC: We learn to write. 2700 BC: the first book is published, “Mein Outhouse.” King Baraka Obamao completes the Great Pyramid of Blufield in 2560 BC. Oligok Trumpog is beaten at the battle of Blueblood by Empress Kamala Harr Is’ in 2020 BC. The most read book for almost 200 years is published in 1600 BC by Diss Weneed, the opus “De’Odorant.”
1000 BC – 500 AD
The founding of the great empire, “Homie.” It would last almost a 1000 years until the Emperor Way Nans II was defeated on Saturday Night in 753 BC: 651 BC: Confusion is born in Bluina. 652 BC: Bluinese invent pizza. 584 BC: the birth of Ivo Re Soapp,” 584.1 BC: King Wydnose, writes the great lingering epic, “Tankqu.” 402 BC: Scripted Afrocremus defeats Hammitup at Macncheez in the Valley of the Raisins. The defeated land is called “Ueatindat” in his honor. 300 BC: Tall Lett invents paper. 240 BC: Moe Assony marry’s Weezy II. 230 BC: Moe Assony has love affair with Cleoputitoutus. 229 BC: Weezy II poisons Moe Assony. 220 BC: Emperor Way Nans III has love affair with Cleoputitoutus. 190 BC: Weezy II poisons Cleoputitoutus and takes over the country. 184 AD: Weezy poisons everyone in the country. 141 AD:, Pornigula is assassinated at Homie. 139 AD: Pompus is destroyed by Mt Vesuvius. Weezy IV is on vacation there but escapes. 120 AD: Emperor Commodus is killed in the arena by Way Nans XX in Homie on Sunday Night. 110 AD: Emperor Wu Tang establishes the Gin Dynasty at Oneshott. 79 AD: Ton Nic is born in Sippin. 27 AD: Weezy VIV poisons Wu Tang VI.
600 AD – 1000 AD:
610 AD: Weezy XII is poisoned by Wu Tang IX. 625 AD: Weezy XII grandaughter, Sapphire The Great, poisons Wu Tang X. 675 AD: Oligok Trumpog III invades Ueatindat. 690 AD: Hammitup The Unbelievable defeats General Itch McNoballs at Makeus. 720 AD: The coliseum at Nekbones in Greens is completed. Sapphire The Great poisons Hammitup in 735 AD. 800 AD: General Clarence Of Thomas invades Homie. 820 AD: Anita Hill Of Layde is tortured at Thomas Palace in Homie. 845 AD: Clarence of Thomas is given the order of HNIC at Unkle in Ueatindat. Oligok Trumpog IV, annexes Gentrify in Ovatheya on the border of Ueatindat in 910 AD. Start of the 100 Year Gentrification War in 911 AD. Great granddaughter of Sapphire The Great, Thelma The Magnificent, poisons Clarence Of Thomas III in 935 AD. 950 AD: The battle of the RR Traks takes place in Ovatheya. Commander of the First Order Of Lyers, Lady Sara Huckster, is pinned down on the banks of the CNN river in 970 AD. Oligok Trumpog VI defeats Lowe Enrgee Busche at Primetyme in 1016 AD.
1000 AD -1500 AD
Thelma III, granddaughter of Thelma The Magnificent, poisons Lady Sara Huckster IV at Goodtymes in Ueatindat on April 1, 1022. Oligok Trumpe IX, signs peace treaty at Ovatheya with Gladuaint Foolin in 1033, putting an end to the 100 Year War. 1100 AD: Mikel Jake Sonn crosses the Funkee Plateau, home of Dis Weneed, ingniting the Rapp Wars. 1120 AD: General Fivsents army takes Thelma III at Goodtymes in Ueatindat. 1143 AD: Clarence of Thomas VI joins Oligok Trumpog X in the Second Battle of Ueatindat. 1170 AD: Weezy Imbak I is born. 1200 AD: Clarence of Thomas VII and Oligok Trumpog XI defeat Ueatindat at the battle of Mayonnase Onlee. 1300 AD: Prince Linseed Grayas sends ships to discover new trade routes. 1350 AD: Captain Jercoff Kusheyer finds the new world. Oligok Trumpog XIV send army to attack Prince Linseed Grayas in 1355 AD. 1356 AD: Prince Linseed Grayas signs the Kisass Accordingly Act of 1356 giving complete control of the New World to Oligok Trumpog XIV. 1370 AD: Weezy Imbak III poisons Prince Linseed Grayas. 1400 AD: Oligok Trumpog XVI names the New World, “Dasenate.” 1450 AD: The first slaves from Ueatindat are brought to Dasenate. 1500 AD: Toby is born in Ruutz.
1500 – 1900 AD
1550 AD: Oligok Trumpog XX demands higher taxes from the raisin farmers. 1575 AD: The Great Mayonnase Debate begins. 1590 AD: Salt and pepper is discovered in the mountains of Northern Dasenate. 1600 AD: Weezy Chitlen, great great granddaughter of Weezy Imbak is born. 1620 AD: Weezy Chitlen gives birth to Nat Turnonu. 1640 AD He does. 1700 AD: All slaves from Ueatindat are required to eat raisins on their macaroni. 1750 AD: Dasiy Turnonu is born. 1780 AD: She does. 1810 AD: Col. Bita Witeman declares a state of war with Northen Dasenate. 1825 AD: Dasiy Turnonu poisons Col. Bitta Bluman. 1855 AD: John Notblak seizes guns at Harpers Ferry in Dasenate. 1855 AD: Clarence Anuter Thomas is shot trying to stop him. 1861 AD: Start Of The Salt And Pepper War. 1863 AD: Major Bita Bluman Jr leads the attack on Trumpington. 1863 AD: Ima Turnonu, Bluman’s cook, son of Daisy Turnonu poisons Major Bitta Bluman Jr. 1865 AD: End of the Salt and Pepper War. 1877 AD: Antover Bluman, son of Bitta Bluman, founded BFMO. (Blueman For Mayonnaise Only). 1890 AD: The Speaker of the House sends troops to defend the newly freed men of Ueatindat from the BFMO who are forcing them to eat raisins on their macroroni and cheese. 1900 AD: Gottu Turnonu, son of Ima Turnonu poisons Antover Bluman.
1900 – Present
1901 AD: First Bluman Nobel awarded for spicy chicken. 1930 AD: Adolph Trumpog seizes power in Ovatheya. 1935 AD: Adolph Trumpog attacks Ueatindat. 1941 AD : Yoo Soo Fook attacks the Naval station at Plain Bred. 1945 AD: President Utoo, drops the bomb and ends the war. 1963 AD: Will Turnonu has a daughter and names her after his great, great, great, great, grandmother Wheezy. 1983 AD: Wheezy poisons Adolph Trumpog. 1990 AD: Dasenate gives Wheezy its highest civilian award, The Order of KFC Plain. 2000 AD: Wheezy runs for president and wins. 2001 AD: Wheezy changes the name of the country from Dasenate to Dapeople. 2018 AD: Wheezy gets married and they celebrate with an old cake recipe passed down thru her family.
Reprint: © Hill1News 2019