Editor’s note: There is no episode XI due to the editor’s unfounded superstition about that number… don’t ask..
The West Virginia Daily Rag
Obituary
By Notme Brotha
Xuary 19, 2270
Runeng Yomoff WVDR Reporter Dies
Famed journalist Runeng Yomoff has succumbed to the injuries he received in an unprovoked attack while covering the Trumpet trial. Witnesses say that they didn’t have time to see the actual assault because they ran for their lives, but could hear Yomoff screams from outside the building as they made their way to safety. His attacker the court clerk, Kleevis “Stank Stank” Badass, was charged under Title I of the penal code, Sec A: Dayummmm!! Sub.1a. Felon in possession of a spinal cord. Badass has been remanded to Federal detention center Krayzee Azshat to await trial. Yomoff begin his career as a junior reporter in Idare Amofo, Mississippi, at the Watusayboy Metropolitan News. Hailed as being the first black reporter in the newspapers 100 year history, he worked his way up to editorial reporter and gained international fame for a two part series of articles called “Ima Date Who The Fact I Want.” Unfortunately tragedy struck before the second article was published when a mysterious fire burned down his house during the city’s Confederate Jubilee Anniversary. Fire Chief Dan “Cotton” Pickin, said it looked like the fire was started with a gas can that looked just like the one on the back of his fire truck. The Chief of Police, Al “Whip” Ett, agreed and said he will not rest until a black suspect is found and put in prison. Yomoff left town immediately. He was eventually hired by The West Virginia Daily Rag where he met his demise. In lieu of flowers please send donations to The Black Foundation c/o Judge Rill Black, Chairman.
Rill folded the newspaper paper neatly and set it besides his cup of E.R. A large toothy smile ran across his face as he congratulated himself for deciding to use a large can of “Whoop Ass” on Yomoff instead of the pint size can he originally thought about using. He savored the irony of using the donations to take out Judge Hoodratt for drinks at Le’Uppitee Negra. He needed to persuade him to end Datt Mofo trial as soon as possible. He stood up and stretched, poured another glass of E.R and headed for the bathroom to get ready. Stopping just before he opened the bathroom door, he looked back at the newspaper on the table. In that moment he had made up his mind. It would be nothing but the best for that rat H.N.I.C Imblacker Denu.. for him, he was going to pull out a can of “Whoop Yo Very Ass Wid Dees Very Hands!!” He walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower and pulled out a towel and washcloth. Looking into the mirror, he thought to himself.. “I’m gonna be H.N.I.C.”
Le’Uppitee Negre’
Rill looked around before leaving his house. He made a mental list in his mind… house keys.. car keys.. alarm on… wallet.. and oh yeah… can’t forget Mr Ugly. Mr Ugly was the pet name for his 44 Magnum. Rill got into his 2270 Leanback Black and rolled down the windows. It was a nice day and for a moment he thought about skipping the date with Hoodratchet and going for a drive down to Bullet Beach… but that would have to wait. He pulled out the driveway and headed toward downtown. He had been driving for about ten minutes when he heard a siren behind him. He slowed down so it could pass, but instead it pull up right behind him. Rill thought to himself he should have never took the shortcut through Karens Lane.. especially not driving a Leanback Black… The officer got out and headed towards Rill…
Officer: That’s a nice car you got there boy.. where did you steal it from?
Rill: Officer this is my car, I am the Django of the United States!!
Officer: Boy I don’t care if you Tarzan King of the Jungle.. I asked you where did you get this car from!!
Rill: I have the registration papers in the glove compartment… ( Rill starts to open the compartment…)
Officer: Wait A Gnat Ass Minute Boy!! Get Out The Car!!
Rill: I’m just getting my…
Officer: I Said Get Out The Car!! Pull Your Pants Down And Put Your Hands On The Hood!! Now Boy!!
Rill: Rill got out the car and complied… for the first time he wish he hadn’t wore his Fuq The Police drawers..
Officer: Now you stand there till I check these tags and if you thinking about running… I can shoot a hair off a mosquito’s testicle from 100 yards away… and shoot a hair off the other one before the first one hits the ground!! (The officer walks back to his car and picks up the radio..)
Officer: This is One Ricky Ticky Racist.. ova..
Dispatch: One Ricky Ticky Racist.. Go ahead… ova
Officer: We got a boy driving around here on Karens Lane in a Leanback Black looking at white women… ova..
Dispatch: Is there one in his car .. ova..
Officer: No, but I can call my sister… ova
Dispatch: Hold on One Ricky Ticky Racist.. ova…
Dispatch: One Ricky Ticky Racist.. this is Colonel Beauregard.. does the boy have waves in his hair.. ova
Officer: That’s a negative.. ova
Dispatch: (There’s talking in the background) This is dispatch One Ricky Ticky Racist.. let him go with a warning… ova
Officer: 10-4.. ova (Officer walks back to Rill..)
Officer: Today is your lucky day boy… don’t you know I could charge you with indecent exposure… you standing out here with your cheeks hanging out and all… but Ima let you go this time… don’t let me see you like that again… you free to go….
Rill: Yes sir officer.. (Rill pulls his pants back up and gets into his car… He looks through the rear mirror as the officer pulls away. It was a good thing Mr. Ugly was in the trunk or he might have had to spend the afternoon in the land of cotton… anywho, he had seen the officers name… Officer Bob… if it was the last thing he did… just as soon as he was H.N.I.C… )
Rill arrived at Le’Uppitee Negra late. He hoped Hoodratched was still there. Looking around he spotted him at a corner table.
Rill: Sorry I’m late Richard… got held up by an officer on Karens Lane…
Richard: Was it Officer Bob and did he make you pull your pants down while he called it in?
Rill: Yep… that *&%!!.. ( Rill is interrupted when a waiter comes to the table. )
Waiter: Is there a Dick over here.. Gotta dry martini and brought some extra napkins…
Rill: Wtf!! Waiter, this is Judge Richard A. Hoodratchet!! He is not a Dick!!
Richard: That’s okay Rill, I get that all the time… I’ll take that waiter… (Richard takes a sip from the glass , stands up and puts the napkins on his chair…)
Rill: I’m sorry Richard.. I don’t mean to be noisy… but you put the napkins…
Richard: (Richard holds up his hand…) Let’s just say Officer Bob is not the sharpshooter he thinks he is… and that Colonel Beauregard… well a couple weeks ago his daughter ran off with some black conked up gangbanger with a tattoo of his little girl posing naked somewhere on his body… they don’t know where… so they make all of us strip down to our drawers. I got a tattoo of Aretha Franklin on my arm and that’s where there was a misunderstanding… that’s how I got this.. (pointing to the chair.)… they was going to do a cavity search too until I showed them a picture of her… anyway Rill what did you need to talk to me about..
Rill: Richard I am under a lot of pressure to end this trial.. you know the Trumpet one. You got Datt Mofo and Somudda Bullshet on trial for robbery. I need Datt Mofo in my courtroom.
Richard: I see… I read about Imblacker Denu trying to charge you with Tomism under black robe.. what do you plan on doing?
Rill: Well once I get Datt Mofo in my courtroom, Ima $##@! his @!!# up… He’s the only alibi Trumpet got!! Then Ima threaten to send his azz down to BOP Lickety Split, in Lickety Split, Alabama, where the Swannee River.. runs far, far away!!
Richard: Rill!! Lickety Split Alabama?? They had to send in the Feds when Walwhite had a Black Friday Sale sign in the window… the line stretch to more than a mile… come to find out TV’s wasn’t the only thing they was selling… they told the Feds the handcuffs and chains were a new style the blacks down there were wearing… this must be serious!!
Rill: Mo serious than Ex-Lax at a peanut butter factory..
Richard: Okay Rill.. I’ll see what I can do.
Waiter: Are you gentleman ready to order?
Rill: Yes… I want him well done and hollering for you to stop…
Waiter: Excuse me?
Richard: Don’t mind him… I’ll order for both of us…
Court Room 69C
Clerk: Order in the court.. order in the court.. The honorable Judge Hoodratched presiding..
Hoodratchet: Please be seated.. Will the Defence and Prosecutor please come to the bench..
Defense: Approaching your honor..
Prosecutor: Approaching your honor..
Hoodratchet: It’s been brought to my attention that because of the similar names being used in this trial, we need a way to identify the defendants.. Therefore I am ordering that a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe be placed on the buttocks of the defendants, Datt Mofo, Dem Mofos, Sumudda Bullshet and Sommo Bullshet. Prosecutor I would like you to meet me in chambers …
Prosecutor: Yes you honor..
Defense: I object your honor!! This is highly unusual!! I won’t stand for it!!
Hoodratched: I further order that the Defense attorney be tattooed also… bailiff take them away..
Defense: I’ll see you off the bench!! You won’t get away with this!! You won’t…
Hoodratchet: Take it up on appeal counselor.. Dismiss the court clerk..
Clerk: Whispering to Judge.. ” How long do you think it will take Richard?
Hoodratchet: About an hour or two.. give or take..
Clerk: Court in recess until 2pm…
*******************
Clerk: All rise for the honorable Judge Hoodratched.
Hoodratchet: Be seated.. Before the court checks to see if its orders have been carried out, due to the
time constraints we will hear from a special witness first..
Defense: I strenuously object you honor!! Besides the barbaric treatment my client has had to endure, his hair was cut off without a single aspect of style or decorum.. Got my client looking like he got a flying saucer on his head..
Hoodratchet: Take it up on appeal counselor.. Prosecutor call you witness..
Prosecutor: Yes your honor I call Colonel Othello Devilish Beauregard to the stand..
Defense: YOUR HONOR I OBJECT!! This witness is not on the witness list!!
Hoodratchet: Bring it up on appeal counselor.. denied…
Prosecutor: Col. Beauregard state your name and occupation for the jury please..
Beauregard: I am Col. O.D Beauregard, Commander of the Alabama 27th Lynch Atta Tree Good Ole Boy Militia Of The Deep Black Swanee River( Officer Bob.. waves a finger at the Colonel..) uh. 28th…
Prosecutor: And what can you tell us about this case..
Beauregard: Well my wife, sweet Caroline Honeydew Beauregard… gawd rest her soul, made me swear that I would take care of our daughter the innocent Lily Rosemary Sueleen Beauregard and see her marry a good southern beau!! Instead my daughter was absconded by a black heathen in the middle of the night and whisked away to who knows where…
Prosecutor: And what makes you think she was taken against her will Colonel?
Beauregard: How dare you Auntie!! Don’t question the honor of my sweet peach of the South Lily!!
Prosecutor: Uh.. okay.. go on..
Beauregard: Well we gathered up a few of the local ones and made them tell us who took my ripe golden delicious apple off the tree.. They told us it was a man with a tattoo.. and.. (the Colonel looks at the Judge..) and he was in court for a robbery cause he wanted to buy my luscious grape fruit Lily a… (the Colonel looks at the Judge again).. a ring?
Defense: YOUR HONOR!!
Hoodratchet: Denied!
Prosecutor: So Colonel you say the man has a tattoo.. can you identify the man by his tattoo?
Colonel: Yes.. it is a tattoo of Marilyn Maloney.. ( the Judge scratches his head and stands up..) I mean Monroe.. Marilyn Monroe..
Defense: This Is Outrageous!! I object your honor!!!
Prosecutor: No more questions your honor…
Hoodratchet Your witness defense..
Defense: Okay Colonel.. I have just a few questions for you… Colonel do you know an Officer Bob?
Colonel: Yes he be betrothed to my hummingbird of the country garden.. Lily..
Defense: I see.. and didn’t you tell him the man who took your daughter had waves in his hair…?
Colonel: I said he had “a” wave in his hair.. I only got off one shot..
Defense: Your honor may I confer with my co-counsel? It will only take a minute…
Hoodratchet: I’m about ready to make my ruling.. you have five more minutes…
Defense: ( The defense walks over to his desk and gets a folder from his second..) Colonel do you know what’s in this folder?
Colonel: Counselor does it look like I have x-ray vision? No I don’t…
Defense: Well I’ll Tell YOU WHAT’S IN IT!!! Your wife’s not dead… is she!!?? She ran off with a rapper named DJ Big Deck!!! He had a tattoo of a big deck and your wife was standing on it!! Isn’t that right!! (The jury sighs in disbelief!!)
Colonel: I don’t have to take this from you!! Boy Ima Colonel in the Three Dixie States Of Amerikka!!
Defense: Oh you gonna take it alright.. Cause you on this side of the Dixie Line boy!!! You in the United Black Faces Of New Africa now and I want you to answer me!! Your honor?
Hoodratchet: Answer the question Colonel..
Colonel: Boy Ima tell you.. the only thing keeping you from swinging on a homemade cotton rope from my plantation is that stop sign at Karens Lane and Afri X Ave… Ima be waiting..
Defense: Aww.. I just so scared massa.. Now answer the question!!
Colonel: Big Deck used to work for me… I gave that boy all the fried chicken he could eat.. and that’s how he repaid me… running off with my sweet Caroline..
Defense: And what did you say you’d do to him if you ever saw him again?
Colonel: I swore by the men of the Battle at Raisin and Macaroni Casserole.. if I saw that scoundrel again I’d pull a quill from our regiment porcupine and slowly scrape that tattoo clean off his cold dead body… then I’d hang him… from the tallest tree.. he would be like a christmas tree ornament.. I’d take him down in the summer and hang him back up in the winter.. I’d cut his ba…
Defense: Okay we get the picture… but you never found him did you?
Colonel: Yeah.. he’s right ova there…
Defense: Your honor.. I like to have the last statement stricken from the record… the witness is clearly committing perjury..
Hoodratchet: The witness has answered the question counselor… I have made my decision.. Counselors I liked to see you in my chambers…
Clerk: Court Dismissed…
*************************
Hoodratchet: I have decided to rule against the defendants… The Colonel has an extradition order for kidnapping and it will be immediately carried out. Bailiff turn the prisoner over to the Colonel..
Defense: Your honor you will not get away with this!! I will take this all the way up to Supremacist Court Of New Africa!!
Hoodratchet: Bailiff handcuff the defense and turn him over to the Colonel too…
Prosecutor: Wait a minute.. wait a minute… okay.. okay..
Hoodratchet: Mr. Brown.. I’ll tell you what I will do for you.. If you can get your client to turn state’s evidence in Judge Blacks courtroom… then I can promise this extradition order will disappear.. If you don’t well.. ( Hoodratchet picks up an apple and starts peeling it.. then drops it on the floor and stomps on it…) It’s a law over there that a black mans trial can be no longer then 10 minutes.. It will take you five minutes to cross the line…
Prosecutor: Okay.. deal…
Hoodratchet: I’ll go get the papers.. (Hoodratchet goes to the bench and picks up the papers from on the desk.. he looks up and winks at a Rill… Rill smiles… winks back and then leaves.)
*********************
The next day…
Rill: Hey Richard.. there was a real bad accident on Karens Lane last night… Saw on the news that someone had switched the signs around and people were getting confused.. some were even crossing over into DixieLand… anyway.. can you have Brown send over his files so we can get up to speed over here…
Hoodratchet: I haven’t see Brown since he left yesterday…. hold on or a minute… yes bailiff?
Bailiff: A package came in for you sir…
Hoodratchet: (Richard opened the package..) It’s a Christmas ornament… You don’t think… (Both men said Naw at the same time…)
Hoodratchet: I will get them files over to you Rill.. ( Rill said okay and hung up.. Richard looked at the ornament and thought naw to himself again… he threw it in the trash.. he had other things to think about… like Somudda Bullshet and Dem Mofos.
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