The West Virginia Daily Rag

By Runeng Yomoff
Obamaber 44, 2270

H.N.I.C Imblacker Denu Orders Django Rill Black To Proceed Or Else

Things got tense in the Black House when the HNIC accused the Django of “Tomism under black robe.” The HNIC said Black was delaying the trial for political reasons in a bid to to garner support with the Hillbillee and Rednek coalitions and that he had been seen at their meetings drinking Billy Beer and spitting chewing tobacco. Senator Hillbillee and Senator Rednek refused to go on record with a response, but their spokesman D. Whyte Power said privately, he wished the Django would come to a meeting… he believes the members wouldn’t have any objection to seeing a Django hanging around. Meanwhile HNIC Denu said Black could be removed from office if convicted of Tomism. Constitutional experts say removing a Django from office is extremely difficult. Department of Justus Attorney Lincoln Lyedtuyall… “The constitution provides only two mechanisms for removing a Django from office. 1. If the Django attends a dinner hosted by the Confederate Daughters Of America in blackface and tap dances to Swanee River and 2. If the Django sangs Blue Suede Shoes by Elvis Presley at the gravesite of General Lee wearing a confederate uniform and eating watermelon while holding an umbrella for Miss Daisy.” The trial will reconvene today with the gangster Kessa Myazz scheduled to take the stand.

Rill looked at the article and threw back another shot of Leroy’s E.R Gin. He put the newspaper down and calmly reached into his desk for the “Book,” his leather bound, gold leaf, indented, double spaced sh*t list. With deliberation he smiled as he wrote each letter down slowly… Y.o.m.o.f.f…. “Yomoff you just earned your place at the top.” He then put three stars beside the name. For a fleeting moment he thought about scratching off all the other names but decided when it was time to start throwing it, there was plenty of it to go around. As he was putting his list back, the clerk came in and said it was time. Rill nodded and the clerk left. Rill thought to himself.. “that’s the biggest clerk I ever saw…he must have been seven feet tall.. looked like he had hair growing out his fingernails.. and he never noticed those holes in the floor before the clerk walked in… he even thought he smelled something..” Looking at his robes he decided to wear a white one… “I’m not gonna give the #@$$$ a reason..” He dressed and headed for the courtroom.

Clerk: All rise for the honorable Django, Rill Black. (As the court rose to its feet the jury broke out in a chorus of Amazing Grace..) ” Amazeeing grace.. how sweet da sound…” (The court reporters feverishly started writing.. he even thought for a minute Yomoff winked at him!! )
Rill: (Feeling annoyed Rill told the court to..) ” Be seated. (He thought to himself, maybe the white robe wasn’t such a good idea..) Is the prosecution and the defense ready?
Uwantmo: Yes your Holiness..
Milyundolla: Yes your Grace…
Rill: Y’all don’t wanna be playing wid me today… Counselor call you first witness…
Milyundolla: Your honor we call Kessa Myazz..
Clerk: Place you right hand on this book and state your name…
Myazz: Kessa Myazz..
Clerk: WHAT!! !! Say it again!!!
Myazz: I SAID KESSA MYAZZ !!! What are you hard of hearing or sumptin??!
Clerk: The court gasped as the clerk only took 1.2 seconds to jumped on top of the witness stand, rip Myazz shirt off and grabbed him by the neck and held him up with two fingers… OH KESSA MYAZZ RIGHT??!!
Myazz: YES!! YES!! YES!!!
Rill: (Rill calls the bailiff over to break the pair up.. ) Order in the court!! Order in the court!! Let the witness be seated! Someone get him another shirt…!! Rill made a mental note to himself.. send a letter to the clerk telling him … “If I ever see you acting like that in court again …”IMA GONNA WHIP IT REAL GOOD… AND MAKE YOU CRY!!!” “Ps… I don’t care if you tell yo mamma” signed- RUNENG YOMOFF!!!
Rill: Proceed counselor..
Milyundolla: Mr Myazz… do you need some time?? (Myazz nods no..”) Tell us what you know about Dat Mofo…
Myazz: I know Dat Mofo on trial with Summo Bullshet down the hall…
Milyundolla: Mr. Myazz can you tell us about the events that happened at the Sleap Onyaback Correctional Institution on Kingmemba 4th, 2270?
Myazz: Well me and Nomo Shat was in the mess hall eating some rat tail with drain water gravy and pigeon feather biscuits.. I remember it because they give us da good stuff on Sunday.. Anyway Dat Mofo came to us and said he wanted me to meet him later because they was breaking out tonight.
Milyundolla: What else did he say?
Myazz: He said he wasn’t taking Nomo Shat… because he was a snitch..
Uwantmo: Objection your Majestic Highness Of The Seven Golden Waters…
Rill: Keep it up Counselor…
Uwantmo: Your honor what does taking Nomo Shat have to do with the case? Myazz don’t care if Dat Mofo wasn’t taking Nomo Shat!! The counselor is just throwing stuff against the wall and seeing what sticks..
Rill: I will allow it.. but tread lightly counselor..
Milyundolla: Go ahead Mr Myazz..
Myazz: Well I didn’t know he was a snitch.. I wanted to take someone else..
Milyundolla: Was it this man? ( Milyundolla shows him a picture)
Myazz: Yes, That’s Dayum Wright..
Milyundolla: What did you and Wright discuss on the night of the break out?
Myazz: He said Dat Mofo was looking to get out to even a score he had…
Uwantmo: Objection.. Great Pharaoh of the 12 Doves Of Mylex…
Rill: Counselor next time I’m gonna arrange an all expense 10 day paid trip for you to the Underground Caverns beneath the Stone Castle of the Blindfolded Lady and The Blue Men Of The Swinging Batons Of Hellacia… am I making myself clear?
Uwantmo: Yes you honor…
Milyundolla: Your honor I withdraw the question.. your witness counselor…
Uwantmo: So you are the great Kessa Myazz?
Milyundolla: I object your honor!! My esteemed colleague was the prosecutor who put him behind bars.. She knows darn well that when she arrested him and she asked what his name was… he said Kessa Myazz!!
Uwantmo: I withdraw the question your honor… So you say Dat Mofo who is on trial with Somudda Bullshet asked you to come with him to break out because he had a score to settle, but he didn’t want Nomo Shat so he took another man??
Myazz: Dayum Wright..
Uwantmo: Suppose I told you that man was related to another defense witness!! They are cousins!! Dasa Azhol!!
Myazz: Dayum??
Uwantmo: He didn’t take Nomo Shat because he is Anutta Azhol’s brother!!
Milyundolla: Your honor may I approach the altar… I mean bench..
Rill: ( Rill looks at the bailiff and hands him a note..) When I raise my hand you know what to do right? (The bailiff nods.) Now this is my last warning counselors!! Approach!!
Milyundolla: Your honor this trial can’t go on without Dat Mofo.. He is the star of my defense!
Uwantmo: Your honor Kessa Myazz…
Rill: WHAT!!
Uwantmo: Sorry your honor .. The witness Kessa Myazz is a liar and a thief… his testimony is..
Rill: (Rill waves his hand..) As much As I want this trial to end.. the defense is right. Dat Mofo got to appear in this courtroom. I am adjourning until he is available. Clerk dismiss the court…

Rill Chambers...

Rill settled into his leather chair and poured a glass of ER… He didn’t want to think of the ramifications of putting off the trial to wait for the outcome of Dat Mofo and Sommo Bullshet. Imblacker Denu was going to go on TV tomorrow and make somebody lose dey mind.. up in heh.. up in heh… Still he thought it had been a good day.. He pull out the Book, poured another drink and scratch off Yomoff’s name.. The note told the bailiff when he raises his hand he is to pass the note to the clerk.. He had told Yomoff to tell the clerk he had an exclusive interview with him in 5-4-3-2-1… “AWW NAW #$$@!!.. YOU GONNA WHIP IT REALLLLLL GOOD RIGHT???!!! NAW @!!### YOU GONNA HAVE TO START WHIPPIN IT RIGHT NOW!!! DEN YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOMMA!!!! NAW @###!! YOU GONNA MAKE ME CRY… RIGHT???!!! “ Rill set the glass on the table and left through the back door… he told the guard he had left the TV on but not turn it off. He got into his car and said one down… one to go….

Dim Wright
Noah Shat