What If…

The year 1972 was a banner year for the sound of soul. Those folks sure knew how to write a song back in them days. This particular year saw hits by the Staple Singers with, “I’ll Take You There,” and Al “Hot Grits” Green with “Let’s Stay Together,” (although somebody wasn’t having it..) then of course there was the original blue lights in the basement boys… the Chi-Lites singing “Oh Girl,” and who could forget the O’jays “Backstabbers” or Bill Withers “Lean On Me”…. One of the most memorable songs that came out in 1972 was the Temptations incredible ” Papa Was A Rolling Stone.” Now a lot of people don’t realize that they were not the first group to sang this song. Yep.. it was first sung by a group called the Undisputed Truth in 1971. You might have heard of a song called ” Smiling Faces Sometimes.” Well that was them. Papa Was A Rolling Stone was written by Norman Whitfield and at first it was a 45 single.. just a couple minutes long. In 1972 Whitfield did a different version for the Temps, turning the Undisputed Truth’s version into a 12 minute extravaganza. The Temptations 12 minute version won three Grammys and was number one on  the Billboard Hot 100.  It is ranked 169 on the Rolling Stones 500 Greatest Song Of All Time List. Founded in 1960, the Temptations herald from Detroit, one of the blackest cities in America at the time… but what if… what if they would have came from Stank Stank, Mississippi….

Ike: Sheriff I heard some of them “folks”over in the Stank got a Sears and Roebuck catalog with pictures of white gals in them..
Sheriff: Now where did you hear that from Ike?
Ike: Well I heard one of um say to anutta one he fixin to buy his gal a negalay!!!
Sheriff: A negalay? What in tarnation is a negalay?
Ike: One of dem fancy sparkin dresses yo gal wears when you getting ready to go to bed but she wants to spark first… She den be wearin dat new fragrance.. “Only Me” and playing dat sparkin song, “A Cheaters Broken Heart And Legs,” by Dad Dae And The Six Brothers… den you got to do da…
Sheriff: Hot diggity dog Ike!! We don’t talk like dat in proper company!! By gawd boy.. you still in da USA of Mississippi!!
Ike: Sorry Sheriff.. I’ll tell the pastor to say three Hail Mary Sue’s for me and den I’ll ask the Lot Jesse for sanitation…
Sheriff: What…?? forget it.. what else did you hear?
Ike: Well den the odda one says “Where did you get the pencil to write wid..” and den da odda one says, “I don’t need no pencil cause I called dem on da telefon.. Deys sent me a paper jacket and I puts da money in it and gave it to da mailman.” … So den I hightails it to the mailman and says “Anyfolks” give you a letter?” He said a big dark one came in and gave him one addressed to Cheecogo!!
Sheriff: So what.. the boy knows folks in Cheecago..
Ike: Well den the mailman asked him where did he get the pencil from to write a letter? He said it be already addressed when it came from Sears and Roebuck. The mailman said, “What be yo business wid Sears and Roebuck?” Den he said he be gittin… a sexual “NEGALAY!!”
Sheriff: I’m thinking about arresting you for disorderly conduct and the use of indecent language in front of an gawd fearing and law abiding official of the great State of Mississippi in da U.S of A!! Yahoo!!!
Ike: Please Sheriff!! I’ll resent!! Hail Mary Sue!! Hail Mary Sue!! Hail Mary Sue!! I ask da Lot Jesse for fluorescence!!
Sheriff: Wait… what?? Ike tell me something… has your heathen azz ever even been in a church??…. neva mind… GO ROUND UP THE BOYS!!!

Meanwhile in Stank Stank…

Otis: Norman you have been writing on dat song all day.. ain’t ya about finished? Why are you singing Dixie!!
Norman: Now Otis leave me be.. You know dang well the Sheriff wants the pencil back before it gets darks.
Otis: Man dat don’t make sense! Folks here in Stank only got one pencil da Sheriff gave us cause of sumpin dat happened ova 100 years ago!! I can’t even recollect what it was…
Norman: Well I recollect my Grandma telling me da story…. she was a little girl…

Mamma: Normamae has you finished cleaning dat collard green leaf so we can have it wid our chicken wing for dinner tonight?
Normamae: Yes mamma! Mamma can I suck da chicken bone tonight after we finish eating…
Mamma: Now baby you know we gotta save dat chicken bone fo ya Pappy to take for lunch, but if you a good gal… I’ll let you lick the chicken grease off my plate.
Normamae: Okay mamma!! I be a good gal!!
Mamma: Yo Pappy sure late today.. Go on down da mill and see what be taking him…
Normamae: Mamma last you sent me to da mill, when me and Pappy got back you said a crow flew through the window and scoop up the chicken wing and flew away wid it. Pappy said dat crow must be a fairy crow cause he found a chicken bone under yo pillow…
Mamma: GIRL… SKAT!!
(As Normamae made her way to the mill she could hear a loud commotion in the distance.. )
Pappy: We need to stand up for ourselves!!
Men: Das Right!!
Pappy: We demand to be treated like men and with dignity!!
Men: Das Right!!
Porkchop: And ain’t now another toothpick or pencil coming off dis line until we do!!
Men: Das Right!!
Bossman: Boys Ima tell ya sumpin right now… any folk that wanted to be treated like a man.. well all dat folk gotta do is show me a picture of yo’self drinking wata out da fountain in the courthouse unda dat pitcha of my great granddaddy… Col. Talltree N. Longrope, Commander of da 1st Confederate Mississippi and vanquisher of da usurpers in da Battle of Stank Stank… why dis very pencil I carry in my breast pocket be the one he signed der surrender wid… and I cherishes it wid all my heart!!
Porkchop: Wells you can take dat pencil and stick it up…
Pappy: Hold on Porkchop.. Bossman we got a list of grievances you need looking to.. first we ain’t paying for the ink you use to sign our checks no more… second we’s not taking no mo company pictures in front of a rope hanging from a tree… and we demands you take down dat statue of dat big lipped black man eating watermelon wid dem really long bony fingers dats in da lunchroom.. We feeling bad bout a couple mo things you need to look at too!
Bossman: (Takes the list of grievances and starts checking things off.) No we can’t do this… we can’t do this.. hell no… we can’t do dat… Okay Pappy, I have left what I’m willing to talk about. You take it to the boys and and come back and see me later..
Pappy: ( Pappy takes the list and looks at it.) Bossman!! You have checked off everything!!
Bossman: No not everything… look on da back…
Pappy turns the paper over… “Because of the high cost of toilet paper, we will no longer be supplying it in our restrooms. In addition use of the restroom facilities will now be subject to a $3.00 service fee and 10 cents a minute after 2 minutes. We understand that some may not want to use our in house facilities and they are free to use our wooded outdoor facilities for a nominal cost of $1.00. However.. because of the high cost of plants, there is a 2 cent charge per leaf. Grass is 5 cents a handful. Tree bark is free. Toilet paper will not be allowed in our wooded outdoor facilities. Monitors will be present if you have any questions.” Pappy takes the list back to the men.
Porkchop: Aw hell no!! Helllll nooooooo!!!! Pappy I knows how to deal wid a no good !@@#!! like dat!! Leave it to me…
The next day…
Bossman: Sambo was that you who I heard last night after closing?
Sambo: Naw massa Bossman… I just be gittin back heh dis morning.
Bossman: Hmmm… thought I heard somebody say something about sticking it… oh well… bring me those files in da kitchen.. I need to sign them so they can go out.. (Sambo brings the files..)
Bossman: Sambo have you seen my great granddaddy’s pencil? I may have left it on da kitchen counter…
Sambo: No massa.. it’s not heh…
Bossman: (Think’s to himself.. maybe it’s in one of da folders.. He opens one of the folders and bangs his fist on the desk!! ) Sambo!! Fetch my hoss and go get da Sheriff!! We’s riding to Stank Stank!!
One hour later in Stank Stank..
Bossman: (Bang Bang) Open up Pappy, I knows you in der!!
Pappy: What be’s on ya mind Bossman… It’s our half day off!
Bossman: I wants every last chicken eating, watermelon swallowing folk in Stank Stank in da church in 10 ten minutes!!
Pappy: Calm down Bossman.. somebody ain’t pay to use yo outdoor facilities? (Bossman threw the folders down at Pappy and rode off toward the church.)
Stank Stank Gospel
Sheriff: Nows we knows one of you folks got it… Give it up and it wont be no trouble!! (Bossman burst through the door..)
Bossman: I want every shoe polishing, big lipped, nappy headed folk in heh searched!! One of yall be havin my great granddaddy’s pencil and I want it!!!
Sheriff: Now hold on a minute Bossman… Der’s ova 400 folks in heh.. we can’t search dem all..
Bossman: (Pushes the Sheriff out the way..) If I don’t see my pencil in the next 2 minutes ain’t nobody gonna never again write another @##! thing in this #@@! hole until you see a folk standing on da #@@! moon in bedroom slippers sanging he wish he was in the land of @!## cotton!!!

Otis: Wow! So what happened to da pencil?
Norman: Porkchop took the pencil while Bossman was asleep and while the Sheriff was in da church, Porkchop switched his pencil with Bossman’s. All the sheriff’s have been passing the pencil down ever since. So everytime the Sheriff brings us da pencil.. we be using Bossman’s pencil!
Otis: Well that explains a lot of things… and now I know why everybody has a rug with a picture of the moon on it… but tell me what was in the folders that Bossman threw at Pappy and what happened to Porkchop?
Norman: The folders? Well when Pappy looked in da folders, they was filled with leaves, grass and tree bark… as for Porkchop he left a little bit after that.. Last I hear he be writing in a blog for some dude in West Virginia up north somewhere… Okay.. that just about does it.. I have finished… want to hear it?
Otis: Go for it!!
Knock, Knock, Knock !!!
Norman: Who be dat:
Sheriff: Dis be da Sheriff Norman.. I got 30 hard, mean ugly men out heh just looking to be ornery… dey say dey ain’t going back home unless somebody is swinging and dey ain’t talking about at da playground either… we know you got a Sears and Roebucks catalogs with pictures of white gals in them..
Norman: Sheriff what be you talking about??
Sheriff: Boy we know what be on yo mind.. now open up and der wont be no trouble!!
Ike: Yeah!! Open up boy… somebody got a date with Mr. Oak Tree!!
Suddenly a rider…
Bossman III: Well howdy Sheriff. I see you still be looking for my great granddaddy’s pencil!!
Sheriff: Yes sir Mr. Bossman and we gonna keep looking for it no matter how long it takes!! Not one stone in Stank Stank will be unturned!!
Bossman III: Well that’s right dandy of you my good man!. I’m on my way to the post office. I sent my boy Bigmouth to the post office today to mail a letter. I’m sending away for a gift for my wife from Sear and Roebuck. The postman called and said there was no postage on it.. My goodness man.. the help you have to rely on today… Well keep up the good work chap.. tallyho!!!
Norman: Sheriff you still there?
Sheriff: (The sheriff looks at Ike with narrow eyes..) That’s okay Norman.. everything is under control… you take care.. we be leaving for dat date with Mr. Oak Tree now…
Norman plays his song for Otis..

Norman’s Song: Racist Getting Ready To Roll

It was a day in September
A day I’ll always remember, yes I will
Cause dat was the day, the day I had to hide..
The water in the fountain was cool
Don’t care if I had to break all their damn rules
Bro I’m depending on you to hide me from those fools
But the bro just hung his head and said…

Racist getting ready to roll
It’s getting dark, get yo stuff and leave home
Cause when they ride
All they gonna carry is some crosses and ropes..
Racist getting ready to roll
It’s getting dark, get yo stuff and leave home
Cause when they ride
All they gonna carry is some crosses and ropes…

Hey brother, is it true what they say
You can neva get away.. is that right?
And brother, bad talk going around town saying some racist even cut it off with a dirty knife
and that ain’t right
I heard some talk about some folks doing some storefront drinking
Racist gathered them up and now all of them swinging
In front of the court … with a large rebel flag flying high
The brother hung his head and said…

Racist getting ready to roll
It’s getting dark, get yo stuff and leave home
Cause when they ride
All they gonna carry is some crosses and ropes..
Racist getting ready to roll
It’s getting dark, get yo stuff and leave home
Cause when they ride
All they gonna carry is some crosses and ropes…

Hey brother, I heard a racist say he got twenty five slaves
One slept with his wife and was sent to an early grave..
If one word was said, massa promised to cut off all of their heads
Hey brother, You gotta know I wasn’t much on thinking
Let me just spend the night, believe me they not kdding
It’ll be all ten toes downs if I… keep on hanging around.
Bro looked up with tears in his eyes and said…

Racist getting ready to roll
It’s getting dark, get yo stuff and leave home
Cause when they ride
All they gonna carry is some crosses and ropes..

Racist getting ready to roll
It’s getting dark, get yo stuff and leave home
Cause when they ride
All they gonna carry is some crosses and ropes…

Oh yeah yeah….

Thanks for reading Hill1News and World Blog Black Satire. See you next time.

write list of grivences… is that the pencil?


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