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It was Thursday, October 22… the night was cool and we were watching the Presidential debates… my partner Jack Daniels… the boss… Captain Morgan.. head of Homicide. My name is Tellit… a wave of lies had broken out on the airways, he was lying like a rug in a Dollar General Home Goods department … he spread more crap than twenty donkeys with diarrhea. Our job… snitch. Jack and I set undercover in the audience…
Moderator: Mr President, Mr.VP, as you know we have now instituted a policy where we will cut off your mike, if you go beyond the two minutes allotted for your answers and responses. We had to do that because at the last debate one of you ran your mouth faster than Usain Bolt being chased by the Proud Boys at a BLM protest. I further want to tell the audience that there will be no clapping, boo’s or any of that @!$$. Any violation and I have it on authority you will be removed and pistol whipped in the alley… any questions? Okay…. Mr. President, you have won the coin toss and will get the first question.. How would you lead the country during this next stage of the coronavirus crisis? Two minutes, uninterrupted.
President: I can tell you from personal experience, I was in the hospital. I had it and I got better. And as I say, we’re rounding the turn. We’re rounding the corner. It’s going away.
Daniels: Tellit, what’s your assessment of the presidents statement?
Tellit: Well Daniels.. after a careful examination of the facts… I can tell you the man sitting next to me is dead…
Fact: At least 871 new coronavirus deaths and 78,586 new cases were reported in the United States on Oct. 24. Over the past week, there have been an average of 68,110 cases per day, an increase of 32 percent from the average two weeks earlier. As of Oct 25, morning, more than 8,642,700 people in the United States have been infected with the coronavirus and at least 224,800 have died.
Moderator: Mr. VP… you have two minutes uninterrupted to respond..
Mr. VP: Come on man….
President: (Interrupting…) We have our generals lined up….
Moderator: (Gives the signal to cut it off…. Suddenly a man from the audience gets up with a butcher knife… security escorts him out…) Mr.VP…
Mr. VP: 220,000 Americans dead. If you hear nothing else I say tonight, hear this. Anyone who is responsible for not taking control… in fact, not saying I take no responsibility initially… anyone who is responsible for that many deaths should not remain as president of the United States of America.
Fact: The President appeared to have his microphone cut off for a brief moment while he was explaining his health care plan during the final presidential debate. “We have done an incredible job on health care and we’re gonna do even better … “ Trump said before his mouth continued to move but his voice was no longer heard. Kristen Welker, the debate moderator, then directed the next question to Democratic nominee Joe Biden, following a short pause. – Fox News
Tellit: Wow!! That was quite a scene.. I wonder who was that man with the butcher knife?
Daniels: That was Lindsey Graham…
Moderator: Let’s move on… Mr. President, I’d like to follow up with you. You talked about taking a therapeutic, I assume you’re referencing Regeneron. You also said a vaccine will be coming within weeks. Is that a guarantee?
Mr. President: No, it’s not a guarantee, but I think it will be by the end of the year. I think it has a good chance. There are two companies, I think within a matter of weeks and it will be distributed very quickly.
Moderator: Can you tell us which companies?
Mr. President: Yes.. Clorox and Lysol..
Fact: President Trump received a high dose of an experimental antibody cocktail from Regeneron as part of his Covid-19 treatment. Now the drugmaker’s stock is up sharply — and questions are swirling about the president’s ties to Regeneron. The CEO has been a member at Trump’s golf club in Westchester, New York, and his company also received $450 million in government funding in July as part of the president’s Operation Warp Speed plan to quickly develop a vaccine and other treatments for Covid-19. Trump also recently owned shares of Regeneron (REGN) — as well as Gilead Sciences (GILD), maker of the antiviral drug remdesivir that the president is also taking. Both stocks were listed as assets on Trump’s 2017 filing with the U.S. Office of Government Ethics, though neither were holdings on the president’s most recent filing for 2020. – CNN Business
Daniels: Very interesting Tellit… I think we may be on to something…
Tellit: Yes Daniels… I have discovered a syringe and a bottle of Purell under the seat of the dead man…
Moderator: Mr. President, you’ve demanded schools open in person and insist they can do it safely. But just yesterday, Boston became the latest city to move its public school system entirely online after a coronavirus spike. What is your message to parents who worry that sending their children to school will endanger not only their kids but also their teachers and family?
Mr. President: Live with it…
Captain Morgan: What??
Moderator: Can you be more specific?
Mr President: I want to open the schools. The transmittal rate to the teachers is very small. We can’t keep this country closed. This is a massive country with a massive economy. People are losing their jobs. There’s depression, alcohol, drugs at a level that nobody’s ever seen before. There’s abuse, tremendous abuse. We have to open our country.
Moderator: Mr VP, your response..
Mr. Vp: Well according to the President, all you teachers out there.. not that many of you are going to die, so don’t worry about it.
Fact: The New York City Department of Education says 72 of its employees have died from the Covid-19 virus. Including 28 teachers and 28 paraprofessionals who have lost their lives to Covid-19. – American School & University
Across the U.S., the American Federation of Teachers lists 210 union members who have died. The list includes support staff and retirees as well as teachers. – pbs.org
Children are widely thought to be at relatively low risk of developing severe COVID-19, but a new report from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) indicates that cumulative cases doubled in roughly the past month: between July 9 and August 13, the number increased from about 200,000 to more than 406,000. Physically reopening schools might accelerate the increase—potentially raising the number of children with severe symptoms and spurring spread among the community at large. – American Academy of Pediatrics
Moderator: Okayyyy… Just let me follow up with this Mr President… Your own officials say, “It could take well into 2021 at the earliest for enough Americans to get vaccinated. You are saying it could be a matter of weeks.. Is your timeline realistic?
Mr. President: Like I said I got my generals lined up… somebody’s gonna take something…
Moderator: Mr. VP, your response..
Mr.VP: Just 40% of Americans say they would agree to take a coronavirus vaccine if it was approved by this government. I don’t know how true it is… but there have been reports of people growing an extra one after taking some of that $##@!.
Tellit: Well it looks like he has more than one Daniels… and it looks like there are three of these…
Daniels: My Gawd Man… is that one crawling?
Fact: Researchers Debate Infecting People on Purpose to Test Coronavirus Vaccines: The technique, called a human challenge trial, has been used to evaluate other vaccines. The technique has been used to test vaccines for typhoid, cholera, malaria and other diseases. For malaria, volunteers have stuck their arms into chambers full of mosquitoes to be bitten and infected. But there were so-called rescue medicines to cure those who got sick. There is no cure for Covid-19. For both ethical and practical reasons, the idea of challenge trials for a coronavirus vaccine has provoked fierce debate. They were divided over whether trials should be carried out if no highly effective therapy had been identified to treat participants who got sick or whether studies in healthy young adults could predict the efficacy of a vaccine in older people.
Moderator: Before we move on to the next section, I have just one more follow up… Mr President, you called Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s best known infectious disease expert “a disaster.” You described him and other medical experts as “idiots.” If you’re not listening to them, who are you listening to?
Mr. President: I’m listening to all of them, including Anthony. I get along very well with Anthony. Anthony knows I have a lot of people looking so far up his… and if we find something… well lets just say, it not going to be pleasant for somebody…
Moderator: Excuse me… Mr. President is that a threat?
Mr. President: As I said I get along very well with Anthony, but he did say, “Don’t wear masks.” He did say, as you know, “This is not going to be a problem.” So he’s allowed to make mistakes… We just need a little more time… so he can learn from his mistakes… like the rest of them…
Moderator: Mr. VP, your response?
Mr. VP: What’s that thing crawling in the aisle!!
Daniels: Tellit, I think we have been discovered… Tellit?
Moderator: Let’s move on to the next section which is national security. Just last night, top intelligence officials confirmed again that both Russia and Iran are working to influence this election. Both countries have obtained US voter registration information, these officials say, and Iran sent intimidating messages to Florida voters. This question goes to you, Mr. Vice President. What would you do to put an end to this threat?
Mr. VP: I made it clear that any country, no matter who it is, that interferes in American elections will pay a price. They will pay a price. And it’s been overwhelmingly clear this election — I won’t even get into the last one — this election, that Russia has been involved, China’s been involved to some degree, and now we learn that Iran is involved. They will pay a price if I’m elected.
Moderator: Your response Mr President? Mr. President?
Current VP: The President had to take a call. He will be back in a moment.. But while we are waiting.. would anybody like to hear about my spine surgery?
Daniels: Tellit.. I find it highly irregular that you left to check the meter… especially since we took the train here…. this will be going on my report… right Captain.. Captain?
Current VP: …. and since they couldn’t replace it….
Moderator: (Moderator interrupts Current Vp.) Mr. Current VP… Isn’t it true that the president ordered you to remove your spine as a prerequisite to taking your office and that you had difficulty standing up to take his oath of loyalty?
Current VP: Ima go get the president… (Current VP leaves…)
Moderator: Mr. President… your response to the national security question…
Mr. President: Они сказали мне ничего не говорить.
Mr President: 尽量别说话 也别跟任何人有眼神接触
Moderator: In English… Mr President…
Mr. President: This is a worldwide problem, but I’ve been congratulated by the heads of many countries on what we’ve been able to do…. Did you hear I won Michigan Man Of The Year Award!! They say nobody’s won it like I won it.. tremendous win!! I was the only one to win it that year!! They say it’s never been done before…
Moderator: Okay so you are not going to answer that question right?
Fact: President Donald Trump has claimed no fewer than seven times over the past three years — including at a recent rally in New Hampshire — that he won Michigan’s “man of the year” award. But there’s no evidence that he did. It appears that Trump is referring to a 2013 dinner hosted by a county Republican Party organization, which presented him with token gifts – including a statuette of Abraham Lincoln. But a former Republican congressman who organized the dinner said Trump did not receive an award, and the group has never given out “man of the year” awards. “And I want to thank you Dave [Trott],” Trump said. “It’s true about about five or six years ago, I was given the ‘man of the year’ in Michigan. And I made a speech. I didn’t know I’d be doing this. I didn’t know I’d be running for president. I made a speech, I said, ‘Your car industry is being stolen from you.’” Trott has since soured some on Trump. Trott said divisive comments made by Trump were a “factor” in his decision not to seek reelection in 2018. At the time of the roundtable, Trott told the Detroit News he didn’t immediately correct Trump, “Because I sure wasn’t comfortable correcting him in front of a group of automotive CEOs. It maybe would’ve been embarrassing to him. But now that I’m out of Congress, I feel comfortable correcting the story. – FactCheck.Org
Moderator: We thought you might refuse to answer this question.. so we eavesdropped on your call… Do we have the audio? ( producer nods head yes.) Ok roll it…
Trump: “Yeah that’s her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”
Bush: “Whatever you want?”
Trump: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” – All Access Hollywood
Moderator: No… not that tape…
Mr: President: Vladimir I’m in a tough spot… I don’t know what to do..
Vladimir: Did you give her the water?
Mr. President: She wouldn’t take it…
Xi: Did you give her the oodles of noodles?
Mr. President: No, but Mitch left her dressing room with a bowl of noodles. ( sounds of sirens are heard in the background..)
Vladimir: Look.. if my name comes up again… somebody is gonna end up in a cold grave in Siberia!!
Xi: And Ima pee on it..
Vladimir and Xi: Understand!!
Mr. President: Yes comrades…
Moderator: Well Mr. President?
Mr. President: You want to talk about that.. but you won’t talk about Barack Hussein Obama… the black muslim from Hawaii… they say he had something to do with 9/11…
Moderator: Okay, so you not going to answer the question. Maybe we should ask Vladimir and Xi?
Mr. President: Why don’t you ask the VP the tough questions… You never ask him the hard questions… I’ve heard some people say he, Hillary and Osama are aliens from Zantu Prime. They came here to abuse our children and unleash the Chinese virus so I wouldn’t get elected again… why don’t you ask him about that?
Moderator and Audience: What???
Mr.President: Yea.. that’s right… talk to the folks at QAnon. …I think we have had enough of a debate here Hope.. that’s enough… lets go.. let’s go meet for two seconds.. ( The president turns to the moderator..) I’ll see you later…
Vladimir: Get me Xi on the phone… Xi, start drinking a lot of water…
Daniels: Captain, the debate is over and we haven’t discovered anything…
Captain: We will need an autopsy… You and Tellit bring the body to the morgue…. and don’t forget to get that part crawling on the back of that lady… I’m not putting my hands on.. whatever that is…
——————————– Later at the morgue ———————————-
The ride back to the station was as quiet as a child seeing a backhand across someones lips. Morgan and Daniels eyed me carefully… wondering if I was gonna snitch. We pulled up outside the grimy front to the station… I looked at my team warily and said.. “Meter!” Daniels said “Liar!” The Captain trumped both of us and said “Gold Bars!” The matter was closed, we got out and the captain locked the doors to his truck because some joker had put a F%$$k the Police Commissioner sign in his window the last time he left it opened. They say you better not say the word private around him. We all head to the morgue…
Tellit: Doctor tell me what you got?
Doctor: I have the crabs.. but it wasn’t my fault… I..
Tellit: No Doctor.. I am talking about the body…
Doctor: Oh… well after a careful examination.. I can tell you this man is dead… ( Daniels pulls out his billy club and starts towards the doctor.. I jump in between them..)
Tellit: Doctor can you tell us anything else?
Doctor: Yes.. he did not die of the Rona… the deceased also had a fingernail file, three dollars and a note in his pocket.
Tellit: A note? What did it say?
Doctor: It didn’t say anything… it’s a note… ( Daniels breaks free and knocks the doctor out with the billy club..)
Captain Morgan: If you hadn’t done that I would have fired you.. give me the note.. (The Captain reads the note out loud…)
Tellit: (Tellit looks at Daniels..) If you hadn’t knock the doc out, we would have known if he got the airplane ticket… ( Daniels heads toward Tellit with the billy club out..)
Tellit: ( He looks at Daniels and says quietly…) If you come over her wid dat billy.. that flame broiled burger at at Burger King ain’t gonna have nothing on you… ( Tellit pulls out his nine…)
Captain Morgan: Now that will be enough children… Don’t make daddy huff and puff and blow yo house down… now get out there and solve this case!! (Tellit and Daniels put away their Action Jackson’s and decide to go back to the scene of the crime.)
——————————————–Debate Hall ———————————————
Daniels: Well Tellit.. let’s start interviewing…. there’s the moderator..
Tellit: Daniels, there are over fifty people in the audience.. why start with her?
Daniels: I have my reasons… lets go. ( Daniels and Tellit knock on her dressing room door…)
Moderator: Your captain called and said you would be by… how can I help you?
Daniels: As you know a dead man was found in the audience.. we would…. ( Moderator interrupts Daniels..)
Moderator: Up here….
Daniels: Where were you at 8pm tonight?
Moderator: I was on the stage in front of 80 million people… I said up here…
Daniels: Tellit you have any questions?
Tellit: No… I have seen enough for now… but don’t leave the building… (Daniels and Tellit leave and closes the door behind them.)
Tellit: Daniels, your reasons were unclear at first.. but after a close examination… I think she will need to be questioned again….
Tellit: I’m hungry.. lets go get a bite… (They head out to Burger King..)
Tellit: I will have a double flamed broiled hamburger with hot sauce.. ( Daniels pulls out his billy club and lays it on the counter)
Tellit: ( Tellit pulls out his nine and lays it on the counter..) Meter!!
Suddenly they hear a loud crash outside.. There outside is the Current VP arguing with the moderator..
Current VP: You can only park here for 1 hour!!
Moderator: You didn’t have to run into me!! I paid my three dollars!!.. Hey!! Up here!!
Tellit and Daniels look at each other… they figured it out….
Daniels: (Daniels goes over and smacks the Current VP twice across the lips.) Give it up!!
Current VP: (Crying… ) Okay it was me.. I did it.. but I put them back in her drawer because I knew she would miss them…
Tellit: No Daniels… Let me tell you a story.. The killer is someone who was here before everyone else.. He killed the man and left. It was someone who had an obsession with cleanliness, a man who could readily get syringes and finally the the item that said pick up.. did not mean pick up the other items…. the deceased was describing what his killer was driving!! Daniels.. the killer is our Captain!!
Daniels: I never did like that $##@!
Tellit: Me either!! Lets go arrest his azz!!
————————————– Back At The Station———————————-
Daniels and Tellit kick open the station doors!! They run upstairs and confront the Captain!! Daniels pulls out his billy and puts more knots on the captains head than a man with a dirty dreadlock wig… Tellit takes his nine and shoves it up the captains nose and says “Your name is Toby!!”
Tellit: We know everything @!$$# It was you who told the moderator that you would pistol whip any hecklers.. that put you there before the audience.. You told us to get the crawling evidence because you didn’t want to touch it.. you are obsessed with clean hands!! You dropped the Purell after you killed him!! Dont Lie!!
Daniels: and the note said “pick up!!” Well who do you think drives a shatty azz Ford F10 parked outside with an airplane decal on the back!! And so you know @$##!, it was me who put that sign in there that said F%$#K the Police Commissioner!! You are under arrest @$$%!!# ( The men handcuff the Captain and are leading him out when the run into the Police Commissioner…)
Police Commissioner: What the hell is going on here!!
Tellit: Sir we have solved the Debate Killing.. this is the #@@!$$ right here!!
Police Commissioner: You idiots!!! Mr. President has just confessed to that crime on CNN… The victim was his barber!!
——————————————–Ten Years Later——————————————-
Moderator: Can you tell us how you feel gentlemen.. now that you are out of jail?
Tellit: Well… I can’t wait to get my hair and nails done!
THE STORY YOU HAVE SEEN WAS TRUE. THE NAMES WERE CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT. TELLIT AND DANIELS WERE CHARGED WITH ASSAULT, FALSE ARREST, MALICIOUS WOUNDING, ATTEMPTED MURDER, BREAKING AND ENTERING, UNLAWFUL DETENTION, AND SEVERAL MORE CRIMES. THEY WERE SENTENCED TO 10 YEARS HARD LABOR AT GETBOOTY IN ALDATYME, MISSISSIPPI.