Letters To Miss Mable

Dear Miss Mable,

As you know a man has been found not guilty in the shooting of three protestors who were minding their own business. He was judged by a group of his peers and I have to accept their ruling. However he has enrolled in the college I am in and they have put him in my room. I thought it was kinda funny for a man to leave his home, go to another state and shoot three people representing a group he says he supports. I am really frightened to go to sleep because he might be crazy and wake up feeling some kinda way. What should I do?

Sleepless

Dear Sleepless,
Strap up and if he gets up in the dark like he’s going to pee… open fire!!

Dear Miss Mable,

I am black and just finished doing five years for burning a confederate flag. It was on my neighbors living room wall. Well I am going to be paroled in a few days. My cellie and I have gotten to be good friends over the years. He is doing life for a hate crime in which the victim was a person of color. He wants me to go see his family when I am released and give them his love. His father has been out a few years after doing ten years for a hate crime and both of his brothers are on trial right now for committing hate crimes. His mother and sister seems nice enough though, my cellie says they told him… they wish I would come over there. I don’t know what to do.

Confused

Dear Confused,
You should seek prayer on this matter. Stand in the light my brother.. bow down and when the spirit touches you.. bow down some more.. BOW DOWN MY BROTHER!!! … and if you are doing it right, you should be able to see your ass.. stick your head up it… cause you don’t need it.

Dear Miss Mable,

My neighbor is so inconsiderate. He has a small dog that he walks every day across my yard to relieve itself. He has a yard and I don’t understand why he has to bring his dog on my property to to poop. I have asked him several times not to do this but he says he has been taking his dog to the same spot since before I moved there and that his dog will not relieve itself anywhere else. I am getting so frustrated. Any suggestions?

Up To My Knees In It.

Dear Up To My Knees In It,
Times have certainly changed from when people had consideration for other people things. Go down to the animal shelter and get yourself two large Great Danes. Then go to the grocery store and get several bottles of Milk Of Magnesia, enough to mix up a couple of gallons. While you are at the store buy some collards and neckbones and cook them until they are nice and tender. Put it in the Milk Of Magnesia and give it to one of your dog and name him Today. Name the other one Every Day.” Take them over to meet your neighbor right after you feed Today. Remember don’t feed Every Day! Tell him their names. Stay until Today does his thing on his porch.. Then scold your dogs one at a time… “Shame on you!! Why did you do that Today!” ” then scold the other one… “I hope you don’t do that Every Day!!” I’m sure you won’t be having any more trouble after that. Good Luck!

Dear Miss Mable,

I was at the store a few days ago and was observing the social distancing rules by standing six feet behind the person in front of me. While I was standing there a group of people disregarded the social distancing guidelines and were so close I could smell their breath. I have seen so many videos on social media about people who say things to those types of people that don’t believe in Covid… most of them end in some type of altercation. I don’t want to get into any altercations but I am getting sick and tired!

Almost Sick,

Dear Almost Sick,
Don’t you just hate that!! Eat two cans of Pork N Beans before you go to the store next time.. then when someone invades your personal space .. let them have it!! Act like you don’t know where it came from.

Dear Miss Mable,

My neighbor is a really good friend, however he refuses to give me back the tools I lend him. I have to practically beg him for my tools back. Just the other day he borrowed my jack so he could change his oil. Me and my gullible self let him have it although I knew it would be hard getting it back. Sure enough when I asked for it back, he didn’t remember me lending it to him. This is starting to put a strain on our relationship. Can you help?

A Good Neighbor

Dear Good Neighbor,
Personally I would fire off a couple… and get my stuff back right away, but here is my diplomatic solution. Tell him that you and your family will be out of town for the weekend. Friday night sneak out and park your car around the block. Go buy a Bowie knife and slash his tires. The next morning when he goes out to change them with your jack, offer to lend a hand. While you’re helping him let your Glock slip out your waistband.. when you pick it up, let the Bowie knife slip out your pocket… casually say.. ” This looks like my jack… I was looking for it..”

**** Mary Ellen Pleasant is the name of the women in the feature image. She was one of the first black millionaires and made her fortune in investing in the 1800’s. She would almost be a billionaire in today’s money. You can find out more about her here. ****









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