Roanoke.. Say What???

When I was a kid in elementary school, every year around the holidays we would talk about the lost colony of Roanoke. Even today I associate Roanoke with Thanksgiving. Although it is now a thriving city, back a few hundred years ago was an entirely different story. As a matter of fact the first Roanoke settlement disappeared and all they found was an inscription on a tree that said “CROATOAN.” Now I’m not a historian or anything but I suspect the Indians had something to do with the disappearance as there was a tribe in the area named Croatoan. Subsequently the people that went looking for the colony found Indians with European features that didn’t know how to dance. Chief: “No.. No!! Wait till they start playing the drums before you start dancing…. White Star will you stop doing whatever that is you’re doing with your face while you dancing…” There were also some Indians with African features who wanted to know if they could have another piece of chicken… ( For more on the featured picture, click here.) Anywho, so yeah, I got my idea what happened… they was invited to a tomahawk picnic. It all started in 1524 when a explorer named Giovanni da Verrazzano mistook the the barrier island around North Carolina as being a shortcut to China. Of course that was the furthest thing from the truth and because of that women still question a man’s ability to find their way to very day. Verrazzano’s claim to fame is that he explored much of the Eastern seaboard as far north as New York and as far south as Florida. On his last expedition to Guadeloupe he was allegedly killed and eaten by a people called the Caribs. The present day Caribs were descended from African slaves who were marooned there sometime in the later part of the 18th century. There are about 3000 left at present. (Pictured left) Anywho, after Verrazano left in 1524, the next expedition to arrive which would lead to the founding of Roanoke would be in 1578 and was give charter by Queen Elizabeth I. Elizabeth reigned for 45 years and was 69 when she died. She is known as the Virgin Queen…. Yes I know I could take that stuff all over the place, but Ima be a gentleman. “And, in the end, this shall be for me sufficient, that a marble stone shall declare that a queen, having reigned such a time, lived and died a virgin”. -Queen Elizabeth I to the House of Commons in 1559. So before we move on, in 1587 somebody named Arthur Dudley claimed to be the son of the Queen and Robert Dudley. The pair were known to have been in a relationship based on celibacy or should I say thought to have been in a relationship based on celibacy. Anywho they bought Arthur to Spain for an investigation into his claim and he was never heard from again. Historians give no credence to the claim also saying she was watched so closely it would have been impossible to hide a pregnancy. Queen: “If anybody says a word, I’ll cut yo head off and stick it on a pole if front of the soccer market with a big sign on it that says “Free.” Young Boy: Mommy!! Mommy!! I want one of those soccer balls like Alfred got with the face on it!!

*Although moden soccer wasn’t invented until 1863 in England, scholars have found evidence of a similar game being played in China around 2500 BC.

Sir Walter Raleigh

The charter was divided into half, with half going to Raleigh and the other half to his brother. A charter in this sense is a document that gives a person a right to establish a property or territory in the name of an authority. This authorities charter governs the rights and privileges granted to the charter holder and inhabitants. So Roanoke was on land that Verrazano had found in 1524. He had sailed for France and frfr the property had been claimed in the name of French monarch King Francis the first. Now these expeditions cost a lot of dough and although Raleigh was in charge of it, the Queen forbade him to personally command the expedition. He remained in London at the Queens Court and delegated his authority to subordinates. The charter said, “He was to “discover, search, find out, and view such remote heathen and barbarous Lands, Countries, and territories … to have, hold, occupy, and enjoy the hotties.” Okay.. it didn’t say hotties.. it just said enjoy… but what else can you enjoy after several months at sea on a heathen and barbarous land? Anywho, the Queen also wanted him to set up a base from which to send pirates on raids to steal from the Spanish treasure fleets. So the document said to send “privateer’s,” to raid the Spanish. I said pirates because I’m evil like that and dey was stealing. Anywho, So Raleigh’s first excursion to the new land was by a couple of guys named Philip Amadas and Arthur Barlowe. They were met by the natives in that area and they took them to Roanoke where the natives in that area treated them like royalty. Barlowe described the people of the village as “gentle, loving and faithful, void of all guile and treason, and such as live after the manner of the golden age.” The Golden Age is one of the five ages humankind lived through as described by the Greeks. These ages being Golden, Silver, Bronze, Heroic, and Iron. The classification denotes the decline of humankind. According to Saint Jerome in the fourth century AD, at that time humankind was still in the Iron Age..

Iron Age – During this age, humans live an existence of toil and misery. Children dishonor their parents, brother fights with brother and the social contract between guest and host (xenia) is forgotten. During this age, might makes right, and bad men use lies to be thought good. At the height of this age, humans no longer feel shame or indignation at wrongdoing; babies will be born with gray hair and the gods will have completely forsaken humanity: “there will be no help against evil.” -Hesiod 650 BC
* (Xenia means hospitality.)

I see back then the wine was good within the realm… By the way the condition when a child is born with grey hair is called poliosis. This is when all other hair color is natural. By this they mean the child may be born with a patch of grey or white hair, but all their other hair coloring is the same. There are other reasons a child may be born with grey hair such as albinism, vitiligo, genetics, anemia or a term called canities which is a loss of pigmentation in the hair. Canities usually occur after a child is born. I got a little sidelined after seeing Hesiod equate the downfall of humanity with grey haired babies. I’ll give him some slack though. After all he was a greek poet who lived almost 3000 years ago. I mean they was still crapping in holes and covering it up with dirt back then… Anywho, so yeah Barlowe was living his best life on Roanoke. When he got back to London and gave the Raleigh his report which he gave to the Queen.. well she was so ecstatic she knighted Raleigh and gave him the title “Knight Lord and Governor of Virginia”. The state is named after the Queen in honor of her being a virgin… and as you can see she took her status as being a virgin very seriously.. I mean anybody who said she wasn’t a virgin could be found in the goalies net at the end of the field… at least part of them. The report emboldened Raleigh who immediately set out for new investors for another excursion.

When The Saints Go Marching In

A lot of us learned that America was primarily first populated by people fleeing Europe because of religious persecution. That is correct but they didn’t start coming to America at first for that reason. That didn’t happen until about 50 years after the first colonies were set up. In addition the most famous immigrants, the pilgrims came for economic reasons. The English had chased them out ten years earlier before they sailed on the Mayflower and they had landed in the Netherlands where they were free to pray to whomever they liked. Raleigh’s second voyage to the new world was a ship populated by folks who had their mind on they money and their money on they mind. There were seven ships in Raleigh’s second fleet. Most of the ships arrived except one ship named the Tiger. It went down on a shoal with most of the colonies provisions. After the sinking of the Tiger, they figured the colony would not have enough provisions for the amount of colonist they had envisioned. A ship set sail back to England to report they had landed safely and many of the colonist went back with it. In all a little over one hundred stayed. What they didn’t know was that when the English had started that cruddy stealing back when Verrazano landed, the Spanish were picking up where they had left off. They were jacking ships all along the eastern seaboard. Getting supplies back to the colony was gonna be hell. Anywho they had planned the new wave of colonist and supplies for a year out. Until then they would have to depend on the natives, which Barlowe had said were almost like homeboys. Things went okay for a while and the colony even sent people to visit and stay with the natives. So here is where things start going downhill. After the initial high fiving and yahooing.. someone reported a silver cup was missing. The colonist sent a detachment of men back to the native villages to demand its return. When it was not returned, it was decided that the penalty should be harsh as they did not want to create an atmosphere where they looked weak. They burned the village to the ground, including the crops. Even though this event occurred, it appears in the historic records that the colonist and natives still got along. As winter was approaching, the colonist began to stocked up on corn, venison and shellfish to hold them over. In all there were 107 people in the colony. By October all the meat was gone and only the vegetables remained. I am being loose when I say vegetables. I mean corn and wild potatoes. Spring was five month away and the records indicated they men were becoming grouchy eating the same stuff over and over. Man to cook: ” @###! you bring another potato in heh and I’ll kill ya!! ( Naw.. it ain’t what ya think.. see photo above. uh.. enjoy..) So remember when I said they would also rely on the natives to help them through the winter? Well it seems that in all the villages that the colonist had visited, the inhabitants had started coming down with deadly infections. Historians believe the colonist infected them with influenza and smallpox. Anywho, those illnesses significantly reduced the populations of those villages. Less people, less food gatherers, less food gatherers, less food to share.

It’s Getting To Look a Lot Like Hostile..

The winter was a bad itch… Wasn’t no Christians there and wasn’t no Christmas. People got so hungry they was boiling and eating their raccoon hats. They say everybody was scared to go to sleep because there was a lot of strange staring at folks when dey was gittin ready for bed and then people started sprinkling salt and pepper on peoples blankets. Hungry Colonist: “I’ma put some salt and pepper on yo blanket to keep the insects away… Den I’m getting ready to get some sleep.. how bout you?” You: “Nope.. I’m good..” By spring relations between the natives and the English were strained. Remember when we talked about the illnesses the colonist brought with them? Well it also translated into less people planting in the spring. The chief of the native people had passed away and was replaced by another chief who changed his name to “Pemisapan, which translates to “Ima Ghost Somebody, ” however they told the English it means “One Who Watches.” After careful investigation, I can say with some certainty that it probably translates to “Watch, I’ma Ghost Somebody.” Anywho as tensions became more strained, Pemisapan established a new temporary tribal capital on Roanoke Island. When spring came around the colonist decided to venture out beyond the surrounding area and asked Pemisapan for the go ahead. Pemisapan said okay and said he would let the neighboring tribes know that they were out there. What they didn’t know was that in a few hundred years the O’jays would dedicate a song to Pemisapan called “The Backstabbers,” … “what they do..” He told the colonist to be careful because one of the neighboring tribes was planning an attack on them. At the same time he told the other tribe that the English were coming. So he was setting up a confrontation between them. It wasn’t even a contest. When the colonist got there, the natives who were supposedly planning the attack were easily overtaken.. mostly because they weren’t planning an attack. Their chief was taken and he told the colonist that he was expecting Pemisapan, who had asked for the council. Council meaning war council. The colonist and Chief Menatonon, leader of the tribe the colonist attacked soon found favor with each other. Menatonon told the colonist where to find a great sea and told them of lands rich in metals. The great sea was thought to be the Pacific Ocean and the metals were thought to be gold and cooper. The mention of a great sea to the west was one of the primary reasons the Europeans sailed to America. They were looking for a shortcut to China. So even though they had made friends with Menatonon, they still took him and another chief back with them as hostages. The two Chieftains commanded more than 3000 warriors and being for real about it… the colonist had attacked them first and without provocation… you could almost bet some of them 3000 warriors were feeling some kinda way. The colonist had less than 100 men with them.

Man We Gitin Tired Of Yo Shat!

The colonist upon returning decided to take Menatoton up on his word about the great sea and precious metals. They said they would set out with two groups of men. One group would travel North and the other group would travel West, but after careful consideration they decided to wait until Easter. The supply ship was suppose to be back by then. Until that time they still had to eat, so he sent a group of 40 men up the Chesapeake to find the Menatonon son. They were going to trade Menatonon safety for food. So to make a long story short, all they found was a bunch of pissed off Indians hiding behind trees with bows and arrows and tomahawks. Seems Pemisapan had sent word out the Colonist were out again and up to no good. Most of the natives had moved away from the rivers where they were usually found and took all their food with them. The colonist headed back to Roanoke hungry and empty handed. They arrived back shortly after Easter. As for the supply ship that was supposed to come at Easter… well it hadn’t even left England yet. Meanwhile Pemisapan began to pack his crew up and bounce too. He was going to leave and let the colonist starve to death. Only thing that stopped him was that somebody had gotten to one of the elders of the tribe and he spoke in favor of the English. The elders ordered Pemisapan to start planting crops and to build fishing weirs for the settlers. The following illustration is my attempt to explain what a weir is: I ======= I. So the bars at each end represent a fence or net and the symbols in the middle represent water. You would put this contraption in a narrow stream or inlet and trap all the fish in between the fence. When you ran out of fish you open one end and let some more fish come in. Ima tell you right now… a starving person will come up with some SHAT!!!. .. I NEVER… So this arrangement didn’t last long. The elder who had spoken in favor of the English passed away. Pemisapan: “I guess change is good for any of us… Whatever it takes… Shit, I’m wit cha, I ain’t mad at cha…. Got nuttin but love for ya…” With the elder gone, Pemisapan and his crew packed up and bounced, but not before they destroyed the weirs and told everybody not to sell food to the English. Faced with starvation the colonist sent more men out to beg and forage for food. In the meantime they continued to keep the chieftains hostage and believe it or not they let Pemisapan regularly visit them. But you know something.. hindsite is the best site. I believe they let Pemisapan visit because he had rubber lips. He told one of the chieftains what he had in store for the English. That chieftain put the mouth on him and told the English that Pemisapan was planning a surprise attack. With the copper Pemisapan had gained from trading with the colony, he had plenty of dough to throw around. The other tribes agreed to help him in a final battle… well all but one. They said that any warrior that had a beef would be free to fight with Pemisapan. They planned to kill the leaders while they slept and then attack the rest of the colony. After hearing of the plan, the colonist devised their own plan. They let it leak that the supply ships were only a few days away. Pemisapan needed to attack the colony before reinforcements could arrived. He quickly sent for all the men he could and asked them to meet him at Dasamongueponke. Dasamongueponke is not a place so to speak, but is the name of a tribe. So I guess it was like saying “Meet me at my boys house, we gittin ready to ride..” Anywho, while he was setting that up, the colonist killed the people who Pemisapan had left to watch them… and then with a group of 25 men headed to Dasamongueponke. Once there, they pretended to act like they were going to make some kind of trade for the chieftains. They were ushered in front of the council where they told them, ” Say allo to my liddle friend.!!” They opened fire. Pemisapan was wounded but managed to escape to the woods. They eventually found him and relieved him of his dome. It was stuck on a pole outside of the fort with a sign that read, “We ain’t mad at you either… biachhhhhhhh…”

Beheading
You know beheading is some real medieval stuff.. I’m like wow.. are they trying to make a point to the people who see it as a deterrent or is it they want to make a statement to the one who’s head they’re cutting off? So the story continues below if you want to skip over this for now and come back, but if not, here’s a little something about the practice. The first beheading in recorded history dates back around 3000 BC years. They was probably cutting off domes before then because humankind begin using metals around 4000 BC. At first the practice was thought of as an honorable way to die. Before they started beheading people, a person was tied to a stake and beaten with rods… officially… During the Middle Ages, many European nations continued to reserve the method only for nobles and royalty. Everybody else was hung from a tree. The French Revolution changed all that. After the revolution anybody’s head could be dropped it like was hot. Still the rich wanted to remain bourgeois and it was decided that nobles and royalty heads would be cut off with a sword. For us common folks, it was the axe. The English took it to the next level if you were especially hated or was a traitor. You were dragged behind a horse and cart to the execution site where they hanged you.. not until you were dead but with just enough life left in you to know that you ain’t finished regretting what you did… then they would disemboweled you and pile your internal organs on a table where you could see them…. and right before you were about to lose consciousness they would drag you to a wooden block and cut your head off with a dirty axe…. and nope I’m ain’t finished… cause you done *ucked up… and da King feeling some kinda way…. then your body would be quartered by tying each of your four limbs to a different horse and sending them off in different directions… finally your head would be stuck on a pole in front of the castle till it rotted away… I don’t know how many of you saw BraveHeart with Mel Gibson but the character he played, William Wallace was killed in this fashion. The last execution of a high ranking official in England was in 1747. A lot of people came to see his execution for treason and as such one of the overcrowded timber stands collapsed killing 9 people. Lord Lovat thinking the tragedy was funny, started laughing hysterically. This episode is thought to be the origin of a well known saying.. “Laughing your head off.” The last beheading by axe in England was in 1820 when Arthur Thistlewood plotted to murder members of the government and was convicted of treason.

Dey Was Heh A Year Ago…

So in the beginning I said that they found European looking Indians and African looking Indians. Well in June of 1586 Sir Francis Drake dropped by. Drake’s place in history is held by the fact that he was one of the first people to circumnavigate the world in one excursion, which means he came back on the same ship he left on. What they don’t teach us in school is that his glorious and famed filled voyage around the globe was partly financed by the selling of enslaved Africans. When Drake dropped by Roanoke, he saw how bad the situation was there, he gave them a few months supply of food, a ship and some slaves. The ship however floated out to sea during a hurricane. After the ship was lost, the colonist threw the towel in.. they had enough. Drake was still nearby and Lane the leader of the colonist asked if the men could go back with them. Drake agreed to take them. Three of the colonist did not want to go back. The slaves had no choice and were also left behind to be put on the menu at Tomahawk Cafe. The colonist left and arrived in England in July 1586. When they got back Sir Marlboro Lite and Sir Kool Menthol introduced tobacco to the Europeans… okay.. I don’t know what dey names was… but yeah tobacco, maize and potatoes were brought back with them. So remember when the colonist were waiting for supplies that were supposed to be there around Easter, well it came a few days after Drake left. However, they couldn’t find any trace of the people Drake had left. A few weeks after that a fleet of ships arrived with a year’s worth of supplies. They had 400 men with them so they went around acting like they was Virgil Tibbs… smacking a Moe and demanding to know what the uck was going on. Finally one of the Indians told them the colony had been evacuated a few weeks earlier. The fleet pack up and set sail back to England. They left a group of 15 men to maintain an English presence and to protect Raleigh’s claim to Roanoke Island. These men were never seen again. Warrior: “That’s a mighty fine toupe you got there Chief Split Yo Dome. Where did you get it?” Chief Split Yo Dome: “I got it from a guy at Tomahawk Cafe.” So yeah, I ain’t gonna go into the story about what happened to them. Raleigh still determined to get his money on, sent another group of colonist in 1587. In all about 115. There were three ships in this fleet and included women and children.

When Dey Show You Who Dey Is..

There is a parable about a scorpion and a frog and it goes like this.. “A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, both would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog then agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. The frog dying asks the scorpion why did you sting me? Now we’re both going to drown. The scorpion looked at the frog and said ” You knew I was a scorpion when I asked you to take me across river. It’s what I do.” I sort of paraphrased the scorpion’s reply, but I know you get the jest. When dey show you who dey is… believe them.- Mayou Angelou. So that is what of happened with this colony. After they disembarked, one of the colonist felt like he was still in London. ” I’m going to go down to the Thames and get me a little fishing in and den Ima grab me a couple of swallows at da pub..” Yep he went by himself to go fishing… I hate to tell you this, but you not in Kansas anymore…. Only thing he manage to grab was a very, very, short haircut and a large wooden splinter in his azz. Even so White, the leader if the colony knew they couldn’t leave the colonist there without some sort of truce. So they set out to find the Croatan and ask them if we could we all get along? However the Coratans had deserted their villages because they feared a reprisal from the English for killing the colonist who had gone fishing alone. Now before we move on I want you to remember dat dar was Indian’s in England. Remember, some had went to England during the first voyage when everything was okie dokie. They were there and they were living their best life….“Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis… When I was dead broke, man I couldn’t picture this…. 50-inch screen, money-green leather sofa… Got two rides, a limousine with a chauffeur… and it’s all good…so if you don’t know… now you know…” I wanted to remind you because I have to introduce another player in the game. His name was Maneto. So Maneto came back with this group and he was instrumental in smoothing out relations between the colonists and the Croatan. When the colonist went to looking for the Croatans to make a deal, they came upon some looters who were in the village and this time they knew remembered where they was at… they opened fire. Unfortunately, the people they shot were Croatans. Later they found out that it was another tribe that had attacked the settlers. It was Maneto who squashed that shat.  For his service to the colony, Manteo was baptized and named “Lord of Roanoke and Dasamongueponke”. Now the English were some desperate folks to give a native that kinda title, but it was dog eat dog in the new world and the colonist were teacup puppies and the Indians were werewolves dressed up like… well… werewolves with a flower in dey ear… any present day folk would have known you just wasn’t walking in there and taking over the block. Anywho, the colonist on this trip begged White, the captain to leave them and go back to England and tell them of their plight. They needed numbers to keep them safe. White didn’t want to leave them because he saw the writing on the wall. Reluctantly he left after they persuaded him to leave.

It’s All History Now…

So we’re coming to the end of the “Roanoke.. Say What???,” story. White arrived back in England in November of 1587. The next time someone would visit the the colonist would be in 1590… almost three years later. During the intervening years England and Spain would start duking it out out on the high seas. So remember when I told you about Raleigh and the first time his boy got back saying “Dar’s gold in dem hills!!” Well Raleigh was still aiming to git at it. Besides that.. all the money the Queen had spent on the first expedition to her didn’t bring nuttin in but a few savages, some potatoes and cigarettes. She was at war now.. what was she going to pay her army and navy with… potato salad and Newports..?? Raleigh was starting to feel the pressure too, when the Queen had a soccer court built outside his window… Sumbody beda do sumpin… Raleigh sent another expedition. The expedition was headed by a man named John Watts, who was accompanied by White, the leader of the previous expedition. So Watts headed out with a fleet of six ships. Four of the ships were tasked to engage the Spanish and take whatever gold they could, while Watts and another ship preceded to Roanoke. So even though there was a lot of things the Virgin Queen wasn’t giving up, land wasn’t one of them… and if a Moe kept coming back empty handed… well we all know what happened.. soccer is now the national sport of England… Anywho, Watts made it to Roanoke and was unable to find the colonist White had left there. During the night of one of their stays on an island near Roanoke, they saw a fire coming from the encampment. The next day they made their way there and this was the first sighting of the word Croatan which had been carved on a tree. They also found the word “Cro” carved into another tree. White had been sure this was a sign of where the colonist had gone. When he left the colonist had agreed to leave a secret message of where they would be if they left the colony. That day after seeing the message, the men left and had planned on returning the next day since it was already evening turning into nightfall. However one of the ships anchor cable snapped and they could not continue. So although only one of the ships was disabled, that ship had to return to England with half the supplies on it or risk a shipwreck and return to that camp where all dem folks disappeared except for the word Croatan and a skeleton… Watts made a promise to White that they would return after going to get some supplies from the Azores in the Caribbean. However on their way back, the ship was blown off course and they were forced to return to England. Now.. I don’t know if that soccer field in Leeds named Watts Soccer Field is named after the captain.. but I do know that Raleigh left for Roanoke sometime after Watts got back.. So Raleigh got there is 1595. He told the King that he was going there to find the lost colony. That was the furthest thing from his mind. By this time the Queen had passed and King James was on the throne. James was a relative of Queen Elizabeth. Both were the descendants of King Henry VIII. Henry was a $##@!… if I ever see an African connection I’ll tell you about it one day.. Anywho Raleigh upon his empty handed return told the King that his ship had been blown off course. The king didn’t buy it and Raleigh was arrested for treason. He was beheaded in 1618 and his head was embalmed and given to his wife. She kept the head for 29 years in a velvet bag. After her death it was interred with his body at St. Margaret’s Church in Surrey England. As for the colonist who first settled Roanoke… it’s been almost 430 years and to this day to historians, it stills remains a mystery of what happened to them.

Da Indians got em.. bye..

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