Face The Negro

Producer: Get out there!! (Producer grabs Daye by the collar and drags him on stage.)
Daye: (Daye cautiously looks around the audience to see if he spots any glowing red eyes.) Today is September 19 and you are watching Face The Negro. My name is Daye Lyon. Today’s guest is none other than the senator everyone loves to hate… Lindsey Deypayedhem. Thanks for coming Lindsey…
Lindsey: My pleasure Daye.. Just make sure the check is made out to my company IKissaz BTA.
Daye: BTA?
Lindsey: Better Than Anybody..
Daye: Okayyyyyyy… Anyway… let’s get down to it. Did you make the following statement? “I want you to use my words against me. If there’s a Republican president in 2016 and a vacancy occurs in the last year of the first term, you can say Lindsey Deypayedhem said let’s let the next president, whoever it might be, make that nomination.”
Lindsey: No I didn’t. ( Ching.. Ching)
Daye: Wait… what was that? Did you hear that sound?
Lindsey: No.. What sound? (Ching..Ching..)
Daye: It sounded like somebody ringing up a cash register…
Lindsey: Nope.. (Ching..Ching..)
Daye: Hmmm.. Let’s roll the tape…

Daye: Daye looks at Lindsey…
Lindsey: That’s not me. (Ching..Ching..Ching.. Ching..)
Daye: Well it looks like you..
Lindsey: Nope…that’s not me.. (Ching..Ching..Ching.. Ching.. Ching..)
Daye: Okay.. let’s move on.. Did you shamelessly defend an accused rapist as the head of the Senate Judiciary Committee and invoke Bill Cosby’s name in a blatant attempt to signal your bosses supporters that the candidate was being treated like a “nigg@r?
Lindsey: Well I… (SLAM!!)
Daye: What was that!! It sounded like somebody slamming a cash register drawer!!
Lindsey: No I didn’t. (Ching.. Ching..)
Daye: (Daye gives Lindsey a hard look.) Do we have some tape?
Producer: Yeah…

Daye: Well what do you have to say?
Lindsey: That’s not me.. (Ching.. Ching.. Ching.. Ching..)
Daye: Okay we have to break right now for our sponsor.. but please stay tuned.. we will be right back to get Lindsey.. I mean… we will be right back with more of Lindsey Deypayedhem!!
**** While the commercial is running ******
Producer: That $##@! is tearing your ass up.. You got to do something!!!
Daye: What can I do? He’s lying like the carpet in my office…
Producer: Sapphire!!
Sapphire Daonlytruth Lyon: If you don’t find a way .. Ima rip it right off and give it to that mangy old polecat with the three teeth down at the dollar zoo… then Ima come back and…
Producer: That’s enough Sapphire.. Daye you feel me now… I want something done about that @##*& !!
Daye: You wrong man.. You do me wrong man…
Producer: Get out there… and if I don’t see blood out there… I’m gonna see some back here… now get on that stage!!
Sponsor: … and remember if it ain’t on and poppin like it used to be… then Private Eye Johnson is the man to see!!
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Daye: Welcome back to Face The Negro. Our guest.. Lindsey Deypayedhem!! (Daye looks offstage and see’s Sapphire waving a dollar zoo ticket at him…) Well Lindsey it time to get to the tough questions..
Lindsey: You know… my hearing has been bothering me lately… (Ching.. Ching..)
Producer: (The producer looks at Daye and then at Sapphire and says,)” Here’s a dollar… go get another ticket, Ima go with you.”
Daye: Daye pulls out his hearing aid and stuffs in into Lindsey’s ear. He tells him.. “If you take that out you got ask yourself something… will they get to me before I get to you… and if I get to you, what am I going to do?”
Lindsey: Okay.. Okay!!
Daye: Let’s talk about taxes.. Recent reports indicate that you asked your rival Jamie Harrison to show the public his taxes. You said you released eleven years of yours already and wants to know why he won’t release his… Is this really a ploy to get back at the president who has refused to show his taxes and who has stripped you of your manhood and made you the laughingstock of the country?

Lindsey: Now hold on… I’m not the laughingstock of the country!! (Click.. Click..)
Daye: Now I know you heard that.. Somebody just cocked a gun!!
Lindsey: Lindsey looks down at the floor and mumbles something..
Daye: Okay you don’t have to answer that question right now.. Let’s go back to 2015… roll the tape…

Daye: Well Lindsey.. that’s a video of you or a man that looks like you calling the president a race baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.. what do have to say about that?
Lindsey: Uh I… (Bang Bang.. Bang Bang…)
Daye: Daye grabs Lindsey and runs to the light switch and turns out the lights.
Daye: Get down on your knees and follow me… I have a plan…
Lindsey: Get me out of here and the world is yours!!
Daye: Okay I want you to hide in this closet.. I’m going to lead them away from you..
Lindsey: Thank you Black King..
Daye: Daye shakes Lindsey’s hands and crawls away… He crawls near the exit door and yells ” F**k them nigg@rs!! I ain’t scared of them porch monkeys!! Come and get me!! Down south we know how to handle the darkies!!
Producer: Sapphire I want you to call your man at the zoo and tell him we will be down there soon. I want you to rip it off as soon as you see him!!
Sapphire: … and what about Daye?
Producer: Ima need my yack a lack for him.. it’s in my office… let’s go..
Sapphire: Sapphire walks over and turns on the lights and low and behold there is Lindsey… in the middle of the stage on his hands and knees hiding behind a folding chair with a piece of cardboard on the back…
Daye: Daye sneaks out the door and heads for car.. he figures he has time to smoke a cigarette before he goes… it takes at least a couple hours to rip it all the way off…