Last March Hill1News begin a series called The Drop Awards. DROP is an acronym for Dumb Racist Or People. Now while I probably won’t get any points for witty acronyms, the Drop Awards are one of my top read articles. Each month we would choose an individual or individuals for the reward based on how racist or stupid they were. We had a set of strict guidelines we judged by and at the conclusion of the contest we promised there would be a winner. But before we begin, I have a special surprise for you! Rill Black of the Truth Or Lie Show will be here to give out the award!! So without further ado…Ladies and gentlemen let’s give a big welcome for Mr Rill Black!!
March 2019: Corinne Terrone come on down!!
Rill: Welcome to the show Karen.
Corinne: My name is Corinne… Mr. Cosby! (Corinne stifles a small laugh.)
Rill: You don’t wanna start that shatt here Karen.. (Rill pulls out a small red velvet bag with something in it and puts it on the table in front of them.)
Corinne: (Gulps..) Yes Mr. Black…
Rill: Let’s roll the tape..
Rill: Was that you Karen? ( Corinne get up and runs off the stage..)
April 2019: Come On Down Marc Gomez (Original video removed)
Rill: Welcome to the Drop Awards Marc!! That was quite a performance
Marc: Yeah that old lady disrespected me man… had to do some work..
Rill: You do know that was my Aunt? (Curtains go down and lights go off… Someone can be heard screaming…. Stop!! Stop!! Someone else can be heard saying.. Naw nigg@… she disrespected you…. Naw nigg@!!!
May 2019: Come On Down Hilary Mueller
Producer: While Rill and Marc are sorting out things backstage… “Someone backstage heard saying “Naw nigg@!! Naw nigg@!!” … we have asked Daye Lyon of Face the Negro to stand in!! You can come on out Daye.. she’s not here… Lets all give a big hand for Daye Lyon!! (Producer goes backstage and grabs Daye by the collar and drags him out…)
Daye: (Daye takes a seat and looks out into the audience..) My name is Daye Lyon, welcome to the 2020 Drop.. ( Daye suddenly stops in mid sentence… way in the back of the audience he thinks he sees what looks like two glowing red eyes..)
Producer: (The producer motions to Daye..) Keep going.. keep going!
Daye: Awards… and now May 2019 candidate… Hilary Mueller… (Daye hears a growl coming from the back of the audience..)
Daye: Hilary can you explain what in the name of Clorox and white sheets was happening between you and Mr.Toles when you blocked him from coming home?
Red Eyed Audience member: Why you want to know if her sheets are clean?
Daye: (Daye squints at audience to see if he can figure out where that remark came from… he’s having a hard time concentrating… someone backstage keeps yelling “Naw nigg@!!”)
Hilary: Well a young black man came to the door of the apartment where I live.. I did not recognize him.. so I asked did he live here? Everyone knows about young black men..
Red Eyed Audience member thinking to herself… What’s this really about?
Daye: I see.. Well we will let the audience decide on why you stopped that black man. Roll the tape..
Daye: So you block this black man from entering his apartment building, you started touching him and then when he didn’t give you his apartment number.. you gave him yours…
Hilary: I just wanted to know if he lived there…
Red Eyed Audience member: THATS IT!!!
Daye: Daye hears a rumbling sound getting closer and closer… he looks at the edge of the stage and just before he loses consciousness he hears…
Sapphire Daonlytruf Lyon: “Ima huff and puff and blow your house down!!!”
Producer: Drop the curtain!! Drop the curtain!!
(Meanwhile 100 miles away..)
Porkchop: Hey man… whose teeth are those sticking out the T.V screen.
Me: I heard Daye Lyon was going to be on the Drop Awards… must be his…
(Back at the Award Show, a despondent producer is slump over in his chair…)
Producer: What am I going to do…?? What am I going to do??
David Mesher: I don’t care what your ugly ass does as long as you don’t come over here and sit by me!!
Producer: F*&&K it.. Ima get a charge.. I ain’t got nutin to lose!! (He takes his shoes and shirt off and starts heading toward David…) The intern looks in horror as his half naked boss run towards the guest, teeth clinch and arms extended as if he was getting ready to choke him… He is yelling (“Ima show you Jenny Craig ain’t got nothing on me!!”) The intern reacts.. grabbing his boss by the belt as he runs past him.. ” “Boss, boss, we still got the new guy!! We still got the new guy!!”
June 2019: Come On Down David Mesher
Wuss: Hello my name is Wuss Dat, future host of “The Situation Room.” Today we will be speaking with David Mesher, finalist for the 2019 Drop Award. On our panel we have Anutta Azhol from the Department Of Citizenship And Immigration and Imblaker Denu , HNIC Of The United States. Thanks for joining us gentlemen… I want to start with David.. David we have a situation..
David: Wuss Dat…
Wuss: Okaaay…you keep playing…. roll the tape…
Wuss: I want to start with you Anutta, what are you thoughts on what you’ve just seen?
Anutta Azhol: Is that a dashiki you’re wearing Wuss? Can you come to my office after the show…
Wuss: What??? ( Wuss gained his composure.. he had read the report on both of his guest and knew he might have a problem with this Azhol. He just wish that whoever that was backstage would stop screaming “Naw nigg@!! Naw Nigg@!!”) We will get back to you Anutta… Imblaker.. you have any thoughts?
Imblaker Denu: Well Wuss as the HNIC of the United States of America I am privy to a lot of secrets that many people don’t know.
Wuss: Do tell.. (Imblaker leans over and whispers something into Wuss’s ear … Wuss immediately gets up and starts dancing!!)
Wuss: So David the video shows you calling that elderly black women all kinds of names and telling the flight attendants you don’t want to sit beside an ugly black cow… is that right?
David: I paid my money… that black wench doesn’t have any right to sit beside a god fearing white man. Who does she think she is? Queen of England!!
Wuss: So David that’s your story and you are sticking with it right?
David: Look… I’m not use to no negro questioning my word!!
Wuss: Well David, the woman’s name who you didn’t want sitting next to you was none other than Adelie Seven Sons Blak… mother of Rill Blak!! (David looks up just in time to see a huge black man running toward him.. yelling ” Naw Mfer!! Naw Mfer!! Rill drags David behind the curtains… Naw Mfer!! Naw Mfer!!! )
Imblaker Denu: Well Wuss… looks like David is in the the right place… he got a situation…
Wuss: Yep… Anutta nods in agreement….
July 2019: Come On Down Karen Harrison
Porkchop: Hey man, Karen Harrison is a finalist on the Drop Awards!
Me: Wow!! Isn’t that the chick who dropped her baby on the ground to fight another chick.
Me: Wow!! I will be there in a minute.. did you take the teeth out the screen?
Porkchop: Yep.. some insurance guy is offering a reward for their return…
Wuss: Ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce you to the editor and producer of the 2019 Drop Awards.. G.Hill of Hill1News. G. Hill can you tell us a little about what led you guys to choosing Harrison as your July Drop Award recipient?
G.Hill: Yes.. but who is that who keeps yelling “Naw Mfer!! Naw Mfer!!”
Wuss: You don’t have to worry about that.. It’s just a couple of guys auditioning for my new upcoming show.. “The Situation Room.”
G. Hill: Oh.. Okay.. Well Harrison was the first person who won for stupidity. We never thought anyone could win for being stupid until we saw Karen. I mean you drop your baby on his head so you can settle some neighborhood beef.. and the child ends up dying… it’s mind boggling.
Wuss: I feel you brother… She definitely has my vote as the winner.
(Meanwhile backstage… Naw Mfer!! Yo name is Toby!! You gonna learn today!!)
August 2019: Come On Down Curtis James Brockway
Wuss: Well Curtis I see you are veteran and what it says here is that you are suffering from a traumatic brain injury.. and that injury was one of the reasons you attacked a 13 year old child. Let me see… it also says you considered the child disrespectful because he would not remove his hat during the playing of the national anthem… Do I have that right?
Wuss: Now Curtis was the brain injury the result of combat?
Curtis: Nope. I was in a car accident on base..
Wuss: I see… Can you tell us why you thought that child was disrespectful for not removing his hat?
Curtis: Yeah, I’m doing what my Commander in Chief wants.. he said if people are kneeling.. they should be fired… or if they burn a flag, they should be punished. Im’a red blooded god fearing American and I won’t stand for no disrespect no matter what or who!!!
Wuss: Is that right? I see… (Wuss and Curtis are seated when Wuss raises his hand and the National Anthem starts playing.. Curtis jumps up at attention and looks over a Wuss who is still seated… Wuss motions again and a 6’7 320 lb hairy black man with little ears and a bald head comes onto the stage carrying a BLM hat. He puts it on and sits beside Curtis. The anthem goes off and Curtis sits down.)
Wuss: Curtis I would like to introduce you to my friend “HeadPeeler.” (Wuss raises his hand and the National Anthem starts playing again.. Curtis immediately jumps up at attention.. HeadPeeler turns his hat backwards and crosses his legs. The anthem goes off and Curtis returns to his seat.
HeadPeeler: (Turns to face Curtis and says..) You know it’s disrespectful for you to stand instead of kneeling when that song is played… and if you do it again… Ima peel yo head.. (Wuss raises his hand and the song is played again... the producer signals Wuss that it’s time for a station break…
Wuss: (Wuss has to raise his voice to talk over the music…) This is “The Situation Room” with Wuss Dat… we will be right back… well some of us…
September 2019: Come On Down Heather Patton
Producer: Look Wuss, although we got great rating on the last segment .. you’re gonna to have to control your guest…
Wuss: Yeah I know.. It went a little too far when HeadPeeler made Curtis strip and moon dance to Janet Jackson’s “Alright..”
Producer: That’s right… (The producer turns around with an annoyed look on his face..) (Naw Mfer!! She a ugly cow!! Naw Mfer!! ) Will somebody break down that door and stop that!!!
Wuss: Our next finalist hails from Eagle Rock, a community outside of Los Angeles California.. Lets welcome Heathen Patton. Please have a seat Heathen..
Patton: Who you calling a heathen!! My name is Heather!!
Wuss: Whatever… Tell me Heathen… what set you off.. Witnesses said no one interacted with you… you just flipped out…
Patton: I’ll kill you if you call me heathen again…
Patton: Patton jumps up and runs to Wuss and hits him several times… Wuss covers himself from the blows… the producer rushes to pull Patton off Wuss, then secretly tosses a Glock 9 on the floor… he summons to his assistant to call the police…
********* Twenty minutes later *********
Police: What’s going on here!! Why is that woman tied up?
Wuss: Heathen tried to kill me.
Patton: He’s a lying black @!!!#@@!
Wuss: (Wuss points at the gun on the floor..) Look officer…
Patton: I have never see that gun… he’s lying!! You a lying @#%$!!
Wuss: (Wuss plays the video again which recorded Patton saying) “If there wasn’t a law against killing a nigg@r, I’d kill all the nigg@r’s!!”
Police: You are under arrest Heathen Patton.. (The officer unties Patton and puts handcuffs on her.. Patton resists..)
Patton: I didn’t do it… I didn’t do it… you #@@!!
Police: Come peacefully or else heathen… The officer drags Patton out and closes the door…Wuss can hear Patton saying “My name is not Heathen!!
Producer: Great show Wuss!! Now that’s what I call a situation!!
(Meanwhile backstage .. “Naw Mfer!! Ima put five on it!!! Come out from unda der!!!” )
Producer: I told thought I told “SOMEBODY” to break that DOOR DOWN!!!
October 2019: Come On Down Phillips Academy.
Wuss: Welcome to the Situation Room.. and today’s guest is Shaunie B. Shaunie tell us the story…
PorkChop: That reminds me of da time I was in drama class.
Me: Porkchop you ain’t never been in no drama class.. stop yo black lying..
Porkchop: Yessiree…I was in 6th grade in Mrs Bobbylee class.. I played da part of Thomas Jefferson.. da 3rd pressedent of dee United States!!
Me: Oh yeah Porkchop.. what was the play about?
Porkchop: It was about the love affair between Sally Hemings and Thomas Jefferson.
Me: Really!! What happened?
Porkchop: Well they picked this pretty little blond girl to be Sally Hemings… and I was supposed to sneak down to the cabin at night to …you know.. so when they turned the lights down on da stage… I started making my way to the cabin…
Porkchop: Well her pappy jumped on stage and pulled my wig off.. he and Sheriff Bo said they was arrestin me for attempted rape… I had ta do 5 years at da the Hospital For The Criminally Insane Negro Boy. I was da only one there.
Me: Porkchop I don’t know why I listen to you…
Porkchop: They gave me an extra year cause they say I was dreaming…
Me: Porkchop… I’m outta here….
November 2019: Come On Down Stupid.
Wuss: Our next candidate has chosen to remain anonymous. Back in November of 2019 his white friends put him on sale and video taped it. The video has since been taken down but was view more than 300k times… mostly by racist. He subsequently lost his ITTB card ( Invite To The Barbecue) and was convicted of violating the Anti-Coon And F***kery Legislation Act Of 2019 Amended: Paragraph 1, sec 1. “In whereas you ain’t on a Worldstarhiphop video in less than 10 minutes after they disrespect you like that, and to wit you ain’t throwing hands and kicking ass, then on Popeyes Chicken Sandwiches and McDonalds Chicken Nuggets… you violated. ( Lots of boo’s…) Okay.. settle down… settle down.. we have invited his best friend to come down and accept his award if he wins… Ladies and gentlemen let’s give a big round for Kayenne Mess!!
(Silence from the audience..)
Wuss: Thanks for coming down Kayenne. Do you mind if I ask you to take the robe and hood off?
Kayenne: Okay Wuss, but the producer said I could showcase my new KKKayenne line of fashion wear. I cut the face part out in the front so there won’t be no misunderstandings. They’re made of high quality cotton picked by real field negros.
Wuss: Suppose they come up from behind?
Kayenne: Every KKKayenne robe and hood comes with a guaranteed Go-Fund Me promise page..
Wuss: You know something.. you a real mess..
Kayenne: Well thank you!! I come from a long line of messes… we.. (Wuss interrupts Kayenne)
Wuss: So you are here to accept the award for your your friend in the event he wins… right?
Kayenne: Yes that … and to let everyone know that I’m throwing my hat in for the great office of Django Of The United States!! (Lots of boos..)
Wuss: I was waiting for that… Did somebody get door that opened
Rill: Naw Mfer!! You wanna take my job!!! Naw Mfer!! (Kayenne jumps from the stage and heads for the exits… Rill is right behind him…)
Wuss: We will be right back with more awards in “The Situation Room!!”
December 2019: Come On Down Brian Lemley, Jr.,William Garfield Bilbrough IV, and Patrik Jordan Mathews.
Bill: Sketter who in the darn nabbit turned on that commie show, the Sitchation Room with that black fellow Whoose Dat?
Sketter: Wuss Dat…
Bill: I said Whoose Dat on the Sitchation Room!!
Sketter: And I said Wuss Dat on The Sitchation Room!!
Bill: Whoose Dat!!
Sketter: Wuss Dat!!
Bill: Sketter just hush yo mouth while I listen to what folks saying!!
Sketter: What you crying fo Bill?
Bill: Gosh darn it Sketter… three god fearing white men has been arrest by the FB of I fo plotten a Civil War.
Sketter: Well I’ll be John Brown … Dey ain’t do dat last time!!
Bill: (Bill start crying uncontrollably..) It’s all because of dat Barick Hussain Ossama!! He done it.. (Bill bangs his hand on the desk.. ) He done it.. He done it!!
Sketter: Now you quit yo ballin… Me and Bo are going over and pull down dat statue of Martin Luther Coon tonight and put up a rebel flag in its place!!
Bill: (Bill wipes his eyes..) I can’t wait!! That’ll show dem nigg@s who’s boss!!
Meanwhile across town….
Commander: Are the troops ready?
Soldier: Yes sir!! Locked and loaded!!
Commander: Good.. this will be the largest NFAC gathering this state has ever seen.. Have the men assemble out front… Tell them we will rallying tonight in the park at the Martin Luther King statue…
Soldier: Yes sir!!
January 2020: Come On Down AP
(AP Published This Photo)
Wuss: Gentlemen we are going on a commercial break before we go on air… I will be right back..
Ray Cyst: What you think they called us here for Mins.
Mins: I think it something about some nectar.
Ray Cyst: You talking about the nectar by the tree?
Mins: No I think it’s about some African nectar.
Ray Cyst: Are they talking about some nectar or a nectarine?
Mins: I think it’s something about some missing nectarine..
Ray Cyst: How many nectarines were missing?
Mins: Just one…
Ray Cyst: All this about one nectarine!! Heck they come down to my farm and they can get all the nectars and nectarines they want!!
Mins: You be careful when you talk about the nectar and the nectarines around here. I got into a fight a while back. Hell there is a lot of nectar and nectarines where I come from too. You can find them in the trees all over the place… there is a barrel full of nectars at the zoo. Darn.. the sheriff even got some fresh nectar at the jail… been there for years..
Ray Cyst: Quiet now, here he comes… (Cue the camera..1, 2 3… your’e on)
Wuss: Gentlemen I want you to take a look at this photo…
Wuss: Do you see any difference between the first photo and this one?
Mins: No I don’t see no difference…
Ray Cyst: Well there is a building in this one that’s not in the other one.
Wuss: So you telling me you didn’t notice there is a nectarine in this one?
(Ray and Mins stand up and look at each other… the blood runs right out their faces..)
Wuss: But what you didn’t know is that nectarine is my cousin!!
Producer: Oh No!! Not again!! (Wuss pulls out a bullwhip..)
Wuss: No Mfer!!! You can find them in the trees all over the place… No Mfer!! (Crack Crack!!)
February 2020: Come On Down Jarred and Ryan
Producer: I’m ruined!! It’s over…
Assistant: There is only one thing you can do.. you have to do the show yourself..
Producer: I can’t… I can’t… (The assistant grabs the producer by the collar and smacks him twice across the lips..)
Assistant: Get a hold of yourself!! I got two more payments to make.. now get out there!!! (The producer goes on stage and sits down with the finalist.)
Assistant: One.. Two.. Three .. Your’e on..
Producer: Welcome to the Situation Room.. I see you guys have gotten to be finalist because you want to make calling someone the “N” word legal?
Jarred: That’s right nigg@r… (The producer pulls on his collar and looks around..)
Ryan: We think it’s a first amendment issue and our right to say what we want… (The producer starts sweating and wipes his forehead with his handkerchief..) Are you listening to me nigg@r?
Producer: (The producers eyes started watering and he begins to rock back and forth in his chair… he looks up and sees his assistant has pulled out his car keys and is showing them to him…) he clears his throat.. )
Jarred: Did you say something nigg@r? (The assistant runs out and handcuffs the producer to the chair.. they can’t afford another lawsuit..).
Ryan: I think he’s talking to you nigg@r…
Producer: (The producer starts yelling and screaming.. the assistant thinks he’s having a nervous breakdown.. he runs over and takes off the handcuffs… the producer jumps up and immediately runs out the door..)
Jarred: Where did that nigg@r go?
Ryan: I know that nigg@r better pay us!!
Assistant: Look gentlemen…. I.. (the assistant suddenly stops talking… he looks at the audience and down the aisle he sees Daye Lyon running toward the stage.. right behind him is Sapphire Daonlytruth Lyon hot on on his tail… he leaps on the stage and runs through the curtains and disappears… Sapphire bolts on the stage and runs toward the curtains… when she suddenly trips over Jarred’s leg sticking out… Ryan starts laughing…)
Ryan: (Ryan looks at Jarred and they both start laughing..) That’s the funniest nig…
Porkchop: Hey man can you come in here.. I was watching the Drop Awards and the TV suddenly went dark…
Me: Okay.. Hmmm.. what’s that smell? Okay… I see… Porkchop go get me that roll of toilet paper.. we just got to clean the screen… better make that two rolls.. there some in the back too..
March 2020: Come On Down Stephanie and Jeffrey
(Somewhere backstage…) Naw Mfer!! Naw Mfer!! Now you want to sit down with her!!! Crack!! Crack!!… Naw Mfer!!
Assistant: Thanks for coming Donald Trumpet… I know how busy you are with court and everything..
Donald: I feel threatened.. who is that man with the bullwhip?
Assistant: What man? (Donald stares into the eyes of the Assistant and figures it probably safer to ignore it too..)
Assistant: So you have seen the tape of Stephanie and Jeffrey… can you tell us what are your thought on it? ( The Assistant glances over at Wuss, Ray Cyst and Mins..)
Donald: Do you really need to know my thoughts… ( Ray Cyst, Mins and Wuss runs by them… Naw Mfer!! Naw Mfer!! Who else was with you!!)
Assistant: I insist. (Crack!! Crack!!)
Donald: I plan on meeting with Obama right after this show and we…
Assistant: One.. Two …
Donald: Okay!! Okay!! I think they left out a couple of ingredients..
Assistant: My thoughts exactly!! Like institutionalized racism, an unfair judicial system and poor job prospects..
Donald: Yeah… I would have put some nectarines and watermelon in there too..
Assistant: WHAT!! You do know that’s your azz right?
Donald: I don’t know what you’re talking about!! Everybody loves nectarines and watermelon!!
Assistant: (The assistant gets up and whistles..) Right here!! Right here!!
Wuss: Naw Mfer!! Naw Mfer!! Crack!! Crack!!!
And The Winner Is!!
Wuss: So we have finally come down to choosing the winner of the 2019 Drop Awards!! Now before we announce the winner, I would like to tell all the participants it’s been a pleasure to expose you. So now without further ado… can I have the envelope please… (Wuss tears open the envelope and eyes the audience..) Ladies and gentlemen the winner is…. Heather Patton!!
Audience: Starts clapping and breaks out into a chant… She Ain’t Sh*t!!… She Ain’t Sh*t!!… She Ain’t Sh*t!!
Wuss: Thank you!! Thank You!! So lets turn it over to Imblaker Denu and he will tell us what’s in store for our prize winner!!
Audience: (Chanting) Lock Her Up!! Lock Her Up!! Lock Her Up !!
Denu: Thank You!! Thank You Wuss!! Well first we will send her on an all expense paid trip to Africa!! Land Of our Ancestors!!
Audience: (Chanting) Don’t Come Back!! Don’t Come Back!! Don’t Come Back!!
Denu: Thank you!! Thank you ….but wait… there’s even more!! She will spend an entire fabulous week with the Whatwhat Tribe, Cannibals of the Far Eastern Mountains, on the slopes of the Dasyoaz Range and Lake Hydedabones!! Yeah!!! Yeah!!!
Audience: (Starts chanting..) Send Some Salt!! Send Some Salt!! Send Some Salt!!
Wuss: We like to thank you for joining us at this year’s 2019 Drop Awards Ceremony. This could not be possible without you. Please remember to set your clocks to watch more of Rill, Daye and yours truly, Wuss Dat on this and other SBS stations.. Good night and Black Power!!
Disclaimer: All expense paid trip is for a one way ticket. Prize winner is responsible for getting back. By agreeing to this contract, the winner agrees to take out a $100,000 insurance policy payable to SBS or forfeit $100,000. SBS reserves the right to claim any belongings, clothing, cars or furniture one minute after default on this contract which is in effect for ten minutes after you get on the plane. – SBS Corporation