What If…

Last week Derek Chauvin was convicted in the senseless killing of George Floyd. The world gave a collective sigh of relief when the verdict was handed down as guilty on all counts. Although the combined sentences add up to 75 years, experts say he will get far less time, based on the fact that he has no criminal record and is a first time offender, add to that the charges will likely run concurrently. We also have to face the possibility that the judge, a staunch Republican will follow the lower ends of the sentencing guidelines and that Chauvin will likely walk amongst us again in the future..

But what if…

Daye Lyon: Welcome to Face The Negro. We like to thank our audience here and around the world as we wait for the verdict in the Derek U. Wonofus trial… Let’s go down to Shonda who is in front of the courthouse… Shonda can you tell us what you see?
Shonda: Well I can’t see anything right now Daye…. because my eyelashes are too big… Can you come back in a minute?
Daye: Okayyyyy.. let’s switch over to Roger… Roger you are inside the courthouse.. Can you tell us whats going on in there?
Roger: Yes Daye.. I’m here in the courthouse and as you can imagine its very tense as we await the verdict. There is a large police presence just outside the courtroom and every eye is staring at the protesters down here in the Great Hall just below where the trial is being held…. wait a minute Daye… a police Captain is coming down the stairs.. I am going to see if I can get a few words… Sir..sir.. can I have a few words.. I’m with Face The Negro..
Captain: Is that a camera…?
Daye: Roger… Roger? It looks like we have some type of technical problem.. we will have to get back to Roger… but hold on… hold on… they are telling me Shonda has something… okay we are going to switch over to Shonda… Shonda what have you got for us?
Shonda: Yes Daye.. just a few minutes ago a man was thrown out of a courthouse window. Police came running out and took the man into custody for destruction of government property… I can see from here they have taken a camera from him… he has been put in an unmarked car and it looks like.. yes… a police Captain is driving him away…. I will try to get more but thats all I have for now Daye…
Daye: Well that’s certainly something we like to hear more about…. great reporting Shonda.. Let’s turn to our panel for their thoughts.. Samuel what do you make of what Shonda’s is seeing…?
Samuel: Those muthaf…ers… Ain’t nothing but muthaf….ers…. always doing some muthaf…ing shi…
Daye: (raises eyebrows..) okay… I hate to interrupt you.. but they are starting again… the judge….
Judge: Be seated… foreman has the jury rendered a verdict?
Foreman: Yes your honor.. (The foreman hands the verdict to the bailiff… who gives it to the judge.)
Judge: Will the defendant please stand? Derek U. Wonofus… you have been found not guilty of all the charges and are free to go…
Prosecuter: Your honor!! This is outrageous!! I demand you poll the jury!
Judge: Will the jury please rise… Is this your verdict and do you all agree unanimously? What say ye?
Jury: Ya vol mein fuhrer!!
Prosecutor: Your honor…. your honor… this is not the same jury… what happened to the jury!!? this not the same jury… the jurors were black… we obje….
Judge: Case dismissed…

Daye Lyon: What an extraordinary turn of events… the judge has read the verdict and Wonofus has been found not guilty.. not guilty of all charges.. We are going to take a short break here.. but we will be right back and continue our live coverage of “They Burned It Down…. Ere Bit Of It… The Derek U. Wonofus Verdict.”

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Daye: Welcome back to “Face The Negro.” In case you missed it… Derek U. Wonofus was found not guilty.. not guilty of all charges. Okay it looks like we have breaking news coming from Los Angeles… Lets go to our affiliate WFIRE. Hello? Are you there?
Ike: Yes Daye.. this is Ike Madd reporting from downtown Los Angeles where protest leaders have begun what they are calling Operation BTSU. (Blow The Sh*t Up.)I have here protest leader Mr. Howard Jackson… Thanks for joining us Mr. Jackson.. any relationship to Samuel?
Howard: Yeah that assho*e is my cousin…
Ike: Tell us Mr. Jackson, what is Operation BTSU and what will you hope to accomplish?
Howard: Sure..well we hope to teach those asshol*s a lesson.. They ain’t nothing but asshol*s… Those asshol*s gonna learn today. We gonna fill all the sewers with dynamite and blow those asshol*s up! Those asshol* are always trying to start something… One assho*e even…
Ike: Thank you Mr. Jackson… back to you Daye…
Daye: Thank you Ike.. Let’s go down to Louisville Ky now where Rill Black is reporting.. Rill I hear the protest are really getting violent over there.. can you tell us what’s happening?
Rill: Yes Daye, I am reporting from under a car where I can see protesters have seized the Sanders building and are threatening to hang Colonel Sanders. I see they have thrown a rope over a tree and… hold on Daye… I think one of the leaders, Pastor Ohno is getting ready to address the crowd…

Pastor: NO SPICES!!
Protesters: NO PEACE!!
Pastor: NO SPICES!!!
Protesters: NO PEACE!!
Pastor: We tired!! We tired of watered down mash potatoes and spiceless chicken! We ain’t gonna take it no mo!! Now like many of you, I was watching the Wonofus trial.. I’d seen him walk out dat court a freed man and I needed sum chicken.. I said, “I NEEDED SUM CHICKEN!!”
Pastor: …and sum mash potatoes wid gravy… I said, “AND SUM MASH POTATOES WID GRAVY!!!”
Protesters: and sum mash potatoes wid gravy…!!!
Pastor: So I walked down there… I said I walked down there to get me sum… I walk in da door and I said… “I want some chicken and mash potatoes wid gravy…” I said, “I WANT SOME CHICKEN WID MASH POTATOES AND…. gravy…”
Protesters: WID GRAVY!!!
Pastor: So she gave it to me and I sat down at da table… I said, “I SAT DOWN AT DA TABLE!!”
Protesters: AT DA TABLE!!!
Pastor: and dats why we here today.. I said, “THAT’S WHY WE HERE TODAY!!”
Protesters: NO SPICES!!!
Pastor: NO PEACE!!!
Protesters: NO SPICES!!!
Pastor: NO PEACE!!!

Rill: Daye.. they got the noose around the Colonel and he’s promising to put hot sauce on every table…. but one of the leaders don’t believe him and has given the order to kick the horse….
Daye: Rill.. I hate to interrupt you but the President is talking from the White House… let’s hea…
Producer: Five… four… three… two…. and 1…. and 1…. Can somebody please wake up President Buyhim!!??
Assistant: Sir wake up.. wake up.. you’re on live TV!!
President: Oh..oh.. My fellow Americans… I come here to talk to you about … about…..??
Assistant: (whispers… “the verdict.”)
President: The verdict! You see last night I was… I mean.. you know… Last night was yesterday… and I was asleep and then I woke up.. and you know.. last night was yesterday so….. I mean we all Americans.. and I turned on the TV and the TV holds a special place in my heart… because you know… it’s in the living room… We all got to come together because.. I was going to put the TV in the Rose Garden…. and that’s why I’m here to talk to you about…. about…??
Assistant: (whispers… “the verdict.”)
President: The verdict! The American criminal justice system is the best in the world… I was just talking to Janice yesterday and… what??
Assistant: (Whispers) You divorced Janice ten years ago.. your wife’s name is Lilly.. ( Dozens of reporters run over to the president’s wife..)
Reporter: Mam? Mam? Can I get a question? Hows your sex life.. the American people got a right to know… Is it over 3 inches? When did you find out he was having an affair….??
President: Uh…from the Rose Garden I can see Alaska…
Lilly: Well you better move there because you ain’t getting no more in Washington DC…
Daye: Okay.. it looks like we lost the signal… we will try to restore it and get back to the president as soon as we can.. but tell me Samuel.. what did you make of the president’s remarks?
Samuel: I never heard a muthaf**king like it in my muthaf**king life…
Daye: Uh…thank you for that…. Lets go to Bill.. Bill you are in Mississippi.. what do you have for us?.. Wait a minute Bill… They are saying we have to go to break… Okay…we’ll be right back with “They Burned It Down…. Ere Bit Of It… The Derek U. Wonofus Verdict.”… right after this message…

Coming In July... “Massa And The Black Uncle Tom
Massa: Tom what happened to your tail?
Tom: Isun don’t know massa. I spect I lost in in da cotton field.
Massa: Well Tom, you know tails don’t come free. I spect all my negra’s to have tails…
Massa maybe Boss Hoss knocked it off when he licked me cause he said I was thinking about white women..
Massa: Now Tom we don’t cotton to nigra’s thinking bout white women.. We know you was thinking about white women cause yo eyes was open..
Tom: Massa I just opened den a little bit so I’s could see the cotton..
Massa: Boy don’t back sass me!!
Boss Hoss: Mr Whitey.. got a couple of nigra’s say they can’t see the cotton wid they eyes closed..
Isahoe Whitey: You gonna let them nigra’s open they eyes and think about white women… what kind of white man are you?
Massa: Boss Hoss.. go get the men.. Tom fetch my rifle..
Tom: Yes massa.. I hand polished all da bullets yesterday.. and I painted an “X” on all dem nigra’s britches so you can shoot em real good!!
Massa: What!!?? By Gawd Tom!! You Can Write!!
Coming July 4th To A Theatre Near You.. “Massa And The Black Uncle Tom

Daye: Welcome back to “Face The Negro.” In case you missed it… Derek U. Wonofus was found not guilty.. not guilty of all charges. Now we are going to go to Bill in Mississippi.. Bill what part of Mississippi are you in and tell us what you are seeing there?
Bill: Yes Daye, I’m in Ten Toes Down, Mississippi and for the most part the protest here have been on the peaceful side. Sheriff Rosco Beaufort Lee said he doesn’t anticipate any trouble but they are ready for it if it comes. I spoke to him earlier and here’s what he had to say.. ************************

Bill: Sheriff as you know Derek Wonofus was found not guilty and there are protest all over the country….
Sheriff: Wait a minute boy!! Don’t you know I shot a nigra yesterday for using the word protest… We don’t cotton to nigra’s using the word protest here in Ten Toes Down… Our nigra’s are concerned…
Bill: What??
Sheriff: I said I shot a nigra for using the word “protest” in my presence..
Bill: Well Sheriff what is the city going to do about the “concerned” African Americans in light of the Wonofus verdict?
Sheriff: Well boy like I said.. I shot one of them.. one they ran the out of town and the other one is in jail for loitering… he can be concerned when he gets out next year… we know how to take care of our nigras down here….
Bill: Sheriff are you telling me there are only three African Americans who live in Ten Toes Down, Mississippi?
Sheriff: Boy let me tell you something… There are no African Americans living in Ten Toes Down… there were three colored boys.. two have left and one is leaving after he gets out of jail. A colored boy did come around heh asking a lot of questions… and we wish him a “safe” trip back down that long lonely dark highway back to the city…
Bill: Well Daye… that’s all we have from Ten Toe Down, Mississippi…
Daye: Great reporting Bill!! Like the Sheriff says, safe travels.. see you when you get back…
Bill: Oh I’m downstairs….
Daye: Thanks for watching Face The Negro.. our coverage continues with….

Meanwhile in a galaxy far far away…

Xpiztle: Sir come quick!! I have spotted a new unseen before Sun in the Blackis Galaxy!!
Swkiysl: Let me see Xpiztle.. bring me the astromepad… no my good plexich… we received a radio report yesterday from a human program called “Face The Negro.” That’s Earth…. The report was called.. “They Burned It Down.. Ere Bit Of It…”


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