Truth Or Lie: Episode VII

In the last episode Rill Blak has been freed and is now in control of Fort Hannity. Madam Harris has bestowed the title of DOUS (“Django Of The United States”) on him and has directed him to put Donald Trumpet on trial for Treason and Back Sass.

Clerk: ” All rise for the honorable Rill Blak, Django Of The United States.

Rill: Rill walks into mess hall which has been turned into a makeshift courtroom. As he approaches his seat, he glances at the the twelve jurors. They all look vaguely familiar. As a matter of fact he is almost 100 percent certain that the fore woman is his mother. She waves at him and remarks how proud she is of him. He says” thank you mama!!,” and he blows her a kiss. “Be seated!”

Rill: Clerk read the charges against the guilty defendant.

Clerk: Your Honor, the guilty defendant has been charged with two counts of Treason and one count of Back Sass. Whereas according to count one of treason in the first degree, the guilty defendant…

Attorney Milyundolla: Your honor… Your honor… I strenuously object!! My client is being referred to as the guilty defendant and there is man sitting at our table in a devil costume with a pitch fork who says the prosecutor is paying him $10 hr.

Prosecutor Uwantmo: Your honor may I approach?

Rill: Rill looks up. He is slightly annoyed at being disturbed from signing the sentencing papers… His new sentencing guidelines call for three thousand years… but he wants to see if he can get an extra five hundred… Approach!

Prosecutor Uwantmo How did you like the cookies I gave you last night?

Attorney Milyundolla: Your honor…

Rill: Over ruled!! go back to your seat!!

Rill: Clerk continue reading the charges.

Clerk: Yes sir your honor. Whereas according to count one of treason in the first degree, the guilty defendant did violate your honors dignity and did incarcerate your honor because of a situation on a television show in which your honor had no idea they was going to do that and to wit the guilty defendant did and with malice close all the Popeyes in the US and with vengeful forethought of evil outlawed the servings of mac and cheese or fried chicken at any gathering of more than one negro not in Nathan Bedford Forrest’s presence. Your honor the prosecution has ascertained that Mr Forrest has been dead for over 140 years and that the guilty defendant is feeling some kinda way about your honor.

Clerk: As to count two of treason in the first degree…

Attorney Milyundolla: Your honor I object!!!

Rill: Rill looks up from his work and sees Prosecutor Uwantmo looking at him as she proceeds to pour a bag of Famous Amos cookies in the trash can… “Over ruled!! Bailiff, if there is another interruption, I instruct you to “GAG” Milyundolla!! I will not have my cookies … I mean my court disturbed!! The bailiff walked over to Milyundolla and put an unloaded gun on the table in front of him. Milyundolla could smell the gunpowder as if it had been recently fired. The bailiff then gave Milyundolla a business card which read “G And G FuneralsOn the back of the card was a picture of a headstone with a question mark on it.

Attorney Milyundolla: Your honor, I wish to withdraw my objection and ask that the court proceed directly to the sentencing of the guilty defendant..

Rill: Your request is denied. This court is legally obligated to ensure the guilty defendant gets his.. I mean gets his day in court,..

Attorney Milyundolla: Then your honor I respectfully ask that my co-counselor defend the guilty defendant in my place.

Donald Trumpet: Oh hell to the no!! Your honor the co-counselor doesn’t speak English!!

Rill: Counselor please get your client in order. Any other outburst will be punished by having you gagged!!

Attorney Milyundolla: “Yes your honor.” Milyundolla nervously opens his briefcase and pulls out a 300 page book entitled “Hillary’s Lies Exposed,”and hands it to Trumpet. Trumpet eagerly grabbed the book from him, opens it and begins smiling. Milyundolla had figured Trumpet might cause a scene and brought the book to keep him quiet. He also had forged Saul Willhefart autograph along with a personal inscription that read “See you soon D!!” It worked like a charm.

Rill: Counselor does your proxy speak English?

Milyundolla: No your honor, not very well. But Chin does know and understands a few words.

Rill: Good. Bailiff swear him in..

Bailiff: Please state your name and repeat after me…“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support the Constitution of the United States and the constitution of the State of Mississippi, and that I will faithfully discharge the duties of the office of attorney and counselor at law to the best of my ability.

Mr. Chin: Yes please.. I wuv applesauce!!

Rill: Rill looks at Chin and nods his head. Clerk continue reading the charges.

Clerk: Yes your honor. As to count two of treason in the first degree, the guilty defendant did with forethought and malice and upon knowing your honor would be held at Fort Hannity, did impose the following illegal conditions.

  1. Half Sleep, in which a prisoner is forced to sleep with one eye open incase he is needed to service the prison staff.
  2. Executive Motion Level 1. The prisoner gets down on his hands and knees, while the prison staff uses his back as a serving tray.
  3. Order 1510. Counting fly’s as visitors. thus reducing the number of family visits.
  4. Forcing inmates to eat Dead Man’s Pie, after inmate disappearances.
  5. Instituting the Waste Not Want Not Rule, wherein inmates can smell the soap, but not use it before taking a 1 minute timed shower.
  6. Allowing…

Rill: Thank you clerk. That will be enough. The Trumpet Doctrine is fully known and the court is satisfied with count two of treason in the first degree if the defense does not object. Can you see any objections Mr. Chin?

Mr. Chin: I need bathroom mirror to see my objection. No can see my objection from here.

Rill: Rill looks at Chin real hard and nods his head. Clerk continue…

Clerk: As to count two.. Felony Back Sass in the first degree, when asked to enter his cell did the guilty defendant say,” He won’t rest until every tree he sees has some nectar on it!!”

Rill: Thank you clerk. Is the state ready to call its first witness?

Prosecutor Uwantmo: Yes your honor. The state calls Malcolm Xtinguisher!! 

Clerk: Please raise your hand Mr. Xtinguisher. Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Mr. Xtinguisher: Yeah I’ll swear.. That’s #@@@!$ right!!

Clerk: Please take the stand..

Prosecutor Uwantmo: Hey Malcolm!!!

Mr. Xtinguisher: Hey Iffa!!! Aint seen you since….

Rill: Rill bangs the gavel down hard!! This ain’t eharmony!! Get on with it!!

Prosecutor Uwantmo: Mr Xtinguisher, can you tell us what occured on April 4, 2038 when you were a contestant on Truth Or Lie?

Mr Xtinguisher: Well, I was waiting backstage getting ready to be called on stage when the guilty defendant came up and slapped me across the lips. He said boy the only way I’m going on stage with a nectar is if he pulling me in a chariot and he said he ain’t got one. Then he said, “Now boy, you got a choice and you only got one minute to make it.. what’s it gonna be?” So I pulled out my six inch blade and he gets to running. I chased him on stage and grabbed him by the neck and commenced to choking him when, Rill asked me to let him go.

Prosecutor Uwantmo: So the guilty defendant life was saved by Mr Blak?

Mr Xtinguisher: Yesum mam. I was getting ready to cut him , but when I let him go he ran for the exit. Those security folks grabbed him up and brought him back. They took my knife and chained me to the chair.

Prosecutor Uwantmo: I see.. No more questions your honor.

Rill: Mr Chin, would you like to cross examine the witness?

Mr. Chin: Nooooo… Me good man. Me only like girls!! Mr Xtinguisher fine..me no cross examine..

Rill: No, Mr Chin, it’s your witness.

Mr Chin: Ohhhh… Mr. Xtinguisher can you please share with the court how you was saved…

Rill: Rill looks at Chin and then bangs his gavel down. We are going to recess. Court will resume tomorrow at 9am. Court dismissed.

Back in his chambers Rill settles down into a plush chair and orders  Executive Motion Level One!! Clefus crawls over and Rill sets his 40 on his back. He puts his feet on the desk and thinks to himself.. “This is going to be a long trial.”

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